completely UNinspired

I've started typing a couple things in this vast, blank screen before me.
Behold, a record of what's transpired...for your viewing pleasure:

I type.
I erase.
I think.
I go.
I work.
I come back.
I type.
I think.
I type.
I think.
I erase.
I come to the conclusion that I am not having a very creative day when it comes to words.

If I had my way today, I would be in bed without this terrible pressure of having to entertain people with words. I wouldn't have to talk to people and stress about coming up with witty and "quick" things to say. I wouldn't have to type and fill up this blank space with letters. I wouldn't have to do anything. But if I don't, I'm antisocial. I'm not giving an effort. Arg. Who's fault is effort, anyway?

Maybe I'll have to go back to bed and start my day over again. Oh wait. I did that once already this morning. Is there a rule regarding how many times you are allowed to start your day over again? Can you try only once again, if your first stab at the day doesn't work out? Or are you allowed two additional tries? And what about the timing of your restarts? Are there any rules for that? Like maybe you can restart as many times as you want before 9 am, but after 9 you're fully engaged in your day and there's no restarts allowed? Hmm...I will have to give this some thought.

But anyway, back to being uninspired. Yeah. I am. (uninspired, that is) And not only am I uninspired, I am completely uninspired! I have absolutely no ideas for what to write! Sure, there are things I could write about...I'm sure there are...they are all escaping my mind right now...but there have to be things I could write about. But why? Even if I did think about something to write, why would I write about it? Likely it would be for the sake of entertaining people. But isn't that exactly what I am trying to avoid in this day of expired restarts? Entertainment? *sigh*

What do you do when you are lacking inspiration?

Any insights on re-starts?

Just want to let me know that you're reading?

(yes, this is a little, uninspired, shame-less plug for comments...I'm getting lonely here in blogger-world...)

Hannah's prayer

"Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life..."
- Hannah (1 Samuel 1:11)

I was looking through my old journals yesterday, thinking it would be fun to find something that I wrote on November 24 of a previous year and see what I was dealing with then. I found one journal entry written when I was in grade 12. I had just sat down with my parents and talked to them about different options for my future...Bethany was not even on my radar at that point! The very next year, I was writing about whether or not I should get to know Nathan better. I wrote that he could be the ONE but that, since I wrote it, it probably wouldn't happen. The next year I was adjusting to a new town and to life as an "adult" (I was hating the adult world with a passion at that point!). And two years later, I had written this verse from 1 Samuel.

After I read it and reread it, I copied the verse down and put it in my purse. This was my prayer for the day. I, then, proceeded to open my Bible and before me was story after story of infertile women who cried out to God and had their wombs opened and were able to conceive. God was very involved in family lines and in blessing women through childbirth and I believe that he still is today. He opened the wombs of Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah...and many, many more. I KNOW...and I have more peace about this now than I've had in the last two years...that I will have children one day. Nathan and I WILL be parents one day. God will bless us with a family of our own.

I have found that, over the last few months, I have put up a wall around part of my heart. In the past (my entire life actually) I have fallen in love with children as soon as I meet them. My heart melts at the soft innocence of babies and children and I just can't wait until I see the product of my own flesh and blood. In the past two-ish years, whenever I have held babies or interacted with children, I have left feeling such a void in my heart, knowing that these children that I love so much are not mine. I go home to a husband and a dog and a wonderful, beautiful home, but a home, nonetheless, without children. These countless empty days, and month after month of negative pregnancy tests, have bruised me and broken my heart time and again.

I find now that, when I see children, the deep connection and love that I feel for them isn't there to the same degree. At first this worried me...am I losing my desire for motherhood? Is God taking this desire away from me? But yesterday I realized, as I became completely honest with myself and with God, that my desire for motherhood is still there, alive and well. I still have the capacity to love, but I have been hurt. I have put up a wall around that tender part of my heart in an effort to protect that which has been hurt.

I talked with Nathan about this yesterday and he suggested it was a good, healthy wall. Sometimes we need walls of protection. Sometimes it is a good thing to guard our hearts from pain, as long as we are able and willing to take that wall down once the time is right. When I hold my firstborn in my arms, and feel Nathan's presence beside me, I know that my wall will come crashing down and the love and joy that I will feel in that moment will be unlike any other I have ever experienced. And it will be SO good.

Christmas in December!

WE'RE GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

I am SO excited! Upon hearing that we wouldn't be able to make it home during Christmas for yet another year, our parents got together and made it possible for us to sneak away for a couple days to be with them during the holidays! They are going to FLY us out to Saskatchewan and lend us their car (I think) to drive to H.B for a couple days! We'll get to be with both families with MUCH less driving! I can hardly believe that we'll actually get home for Christmas this year!

I'll end with a quote from my wonderful sister:

"HOOOOORAAAAAY!!!!!!"

Object of Your Passion...

Sometimes I go through periods of time when I feel as though I’m living in the palm of God’s protective hand. I experience intense joy and peace and intimacy with God. And then, even though I don’t feel like anything changes in my life, it suddenly gets harder. It gets harder to hear God’s voice and feel His touch. It seems to take more effort to draw near to Him. What I did last week to draw close to Him is not necessarily what will effectively draw me close to Him this week. I never doubt his love or presence or care, but I just wonder…is it because I get into a groove and relax a bit in my seeking Him?

When I think about Nathan and myself, I guess it works the same way. We’ll be full of passion for a while and life will be full of intimacy and excitement and joy. Then, the next thing we know we’re back to routine. Life isn’t bad… it just takes a bit more – something a bit different - to renew that passion again. Is that a healthy thing? Perhaps. I’ve heard that you can’t live life on a high all the time. I guess there are naturally cycles of passion and routine, and as long as you are 100% true to and in love with the object of your passion even on routine days, it’s ok. In fact, it is good.

God wants to be there on routine days as well as on exceptionally good or exceptionally bad days. He just wants to be a part of our lives every day.

These were my thoughts this morning…

I don't do snow...or early mornings...

As the title states...

I don't do snow.

And I don't do early mornings.

Thanks to my life in Canada as a working woman, I manage to make it through both.

And I survive.

Barely.

Just barely...

Where do you "belong"?

This past week, I read the book The Search to Belong by Joseph R. Myers. It's provoked alot of thought for me. The book talks about the different spaces in which we belong. These spaces are labelled, in the book, as public, social, personal, and intimate.

Have you ever noticed that there are certain places where you just don't feel that you belong? Perhaps it's a new town where everyone else knows each other and you are left feeling like an outsider. Maybe it's Costco where everyone else is a member, and you simply have a day pass. It could be a new job. Maybe even church? Does anyone feel that they just don't belong at church on Sunday...that they're just a visitor even though they've been attending for years? Or maybe you feel that you don't belong in your cell/small group, even though the group is designed for belonging and feeling as though you have somewhere to share the stuff of your life? Think of a few of these "awkward" places in your life, as significant or insignificant as they may be. Write them down. Now take a moment to ask yourself, "what is it that gives me the feeling that I don't quite belong?"

Why is it that we don't feel that we belong in certain places and yet feel so "at home" in others?

What places do you feel like you DO belong? Having coffee with a certain friend? Shopping at a certain store where you know the employees? Visiting your parents for the weekend? What places put you at ease? Now write these places down. Take a minute to think of what it is that makes you feel like you belong in these places.

As I look around my own life, and become honest with myself about where I feel that I do and do not belong, I am surprised at some of the places where I feel belonging and at some of the places where I do not. It is an interesting exercise to try. Once you have some ideas about places of belonging and what makes them places of belonging, it is easier to create places where others feel that they belong. It makes you watch what you say in an effort to include everyone you intend to include or to put up a boundary where it is appropriate (or even necessary).

I would love to hear some of the places you feel that you do and do not feel belonging and what you've come up with regarding "why?". Either leave a comment, or send me an email (dollface213@hotmail.com) or facebook message. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the topic.

Thoughts...from Second Street...

I struggle to put into words what I am feeling today. Sometimes those days/weeks hit. I am definitely feeling something, but how, exactly, do I put words to those feelings? I've heard the expression that women are like spaghetti (while men are like waffles) in that our emotions are all intertwined with every area of our life. There are no neat compartments (like waffles). The emotion from home gets mixed with work and work gets mixed with leisure and...you get the picture.

I'm feeling like a big bowl of steaming spaghetti today.

And when I feel like spaghetti (though I don't normally use this illustration in my head), I tend to make lists. Lists of things to do. Lists of Christmas requests (it is coming, Mom & Dad). And lists of my thoughts and feelings. I guess it is a futile effort to see life as something other than chaotic. A list tends to put in order that which was not, previously, in any specific order. So in an effort to share with you, I fear that I have no choice than to make a list. Neat sentences and paragraphs are not working for me these days.

Behold, my list:

• energized and happy lately
• unseen, unknown "thing" bugging me since yesterday
• finding out about pregnancies in 2's and 3's instead of one at a time...not sure it's any easier that way (Please understand, if you are one of those pregnant, that I am SO happy for you and am truly rejoicing with you in your pregnancy...really, I love to hear about friends and family who are adding to their families - it is an exciting time! - but this naturally draws my attention to the fact that we are yet without announcement of our own)
• not knowing about the future - both exciting and slightly stressful
• found out yesterday that we will be spending Christmas #3 in friendly Manitoba...were really counting on being able to go home to see family this year
  
• missing family (see above)
• hearing and learning from God lately is great - what a wonderful God we serve!
  
• energy gently draining away as the Christmas break gets wiped off the whiteboard of life for another year
• energy returning slightly with knowledge that Nathan has a job...we are being taken care of...
• not understanding my role in providing for our family...should I be working full time?
• confused
• at peace
• torn up inside
• excited

As I reread my list, I see the distinct contrasts between one thought and the next. That's exactly how I'm feeling today. Thoughts of one nature completely thrill and energize and move me! The next thoughts drain every ounce of energy and make me long for another day like Tuesday (my "Christmas" day this week that I wrote about in my last post). I am excited to see God providing for us and teaching us and guiding us. It is very exciting! It is a wonderful, blessed time in life for us! I am also struggling with getting caught up in today...why we don't have a baby yet and why we can't just do what we want to do because of outside forces in our life.

Life is good.

I am thrilled that God loves to get involved in our lives.

I am feeling peace about our future.

I am living one day at a time (or, at the very least, trying).

I am understanding my need for God like never before.

I am understanding marriage like never before.

I am journaling each morning like crazy!

Life is good.

God is in control.

And I am like spaghetti (and must therefore process accordingly).

Christmas in November

At one point in our relaxing yesterday, I turned to Nathan and stated: "It feels like Christmas today."

It was a low-key sort of day. One of those uber-rare (just wanted to use the word "uber") days when there is nothing to do except what you want to do. The laundry was caught up. The house couldn't handle any more cleaning. There was nothing we needed to do with the yard or house. There was nowhere we needed to be. And it was beautiful.

I spent the day in sweat pants, comfy BUNNY-HUG, and toque, sitting in my chair by the window and reading. I'm pretty sure that's where I was all day. I pretty much didn't move at all. And Nathan enjoyed a day of playing video games. He bought a new game on Monday and spent a number of hours wandering around the game with compass and map in hand. I'm convinced he really didn't do much more than that...

So yeah, it was a beautiful day. I could't remembered the last time I had absolutely NOTHING to do. There wasn't even laundry or cleaning that I should be doing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading my book, sneaking over to the couch every hour or so for a kiss, and basically just doing nothing.

What does this have to do with Christmas, you ask? Well, without family nearby and not having been able to travel home for the holidays for the past two years, the word Christmas brings to mind this type of day almost as quickly as a day filled with family and food and gifts. It has been somewhat lonely the past couple years, but we know that if we are around home for the holidays, we can count on a day to rest, reflect and enjoy what we enjoy best: being at home doing nothing...together. So yesterday was a sort of Christmas-like day for me. No, there were no presents. No, there was no turkey. No, there weren't even any Christmas decorations up. But it was a day worth celebrating. I was praising God for the day all day long and deliberately not taking any moment of it for granted. It was a day to be. And "be" we did.

(While Christmas alone in MB is lonely, we do love to spend it with each other. We would rather spend Christmas together alone than making plans for the sake of being out doing something because it's Christmas. Make sense?)

Ta-da!!!

Thanks, Bonnie, for that great link! I had a great time switching my blog up (once I figured out that you need Mozilla to do it!) over and over until I found one that I liked. I'm not sure how long it'll stay, but now that I know where to go...I can switch it up every season if I want! Thanks again!

Facelift

I'm tired of this same old look...I'm itching for something new.

Any suggestions for where to find a new look for my blog?

Skinny Jeans

Funny, there weren't many people walking to work this morning. I'm not sure why. It was a beautiful morning. The colors were vibrant. The temperature was warm. Well, maybe not warm, but it wasn't freezing yet... It was refreshing and glorious outside!

What? The rain, you say? The rain is why people weren't walking to work? But it is only a drizzle...a mere fall shower at best. The puddles are not yet past my ankles, at least not in most places. And the rain would have been coming almost straight down if not for the slight wind. But that is what umbrellas are for, no? Umbrellas were designed to keep the head dry, which is really the most important part. Sure, my legs were damp to the knees, but it gives me the impression, as my pants stick to my legs, that I am finally caught up with the fashion. For the first time since 1994, I'm wearing "skinny jeans" and didn't pay a penny extra for them! It gives me a chance to "try out" the style and if I don't like it, or if people smirk, I can just as easily go back to my everyday slight flare and not be any worse off for the experience.

As I walked in the rain, and held myself back from "singing in the rain" as well. I just couldn't help but love this morning. I looked around myself, and saw the vibrant orange of the tractor next door. I saw the bright red of the neighbour's car. The extraordinarily dark wood of the drenched trees against the light mist in the distance was breathtaking. It was an absolutely beautiful walk to work today. On a day when I was tempted to stay in bed a little longer, and stay in the house a couple more hours, I ventured out and was rewarded. God poured out his blessings (literally, poured) and I captured them (all over my, now wet, clothing). I looked and saw. I touched and felt. I didn't taste...but perhaps I should have? There's something about the picture of a small child throwing back their head and tasting the rain or snow that tells me that, in that moment, they're enjoying life to its fullness. The rain or snow that we adults only think of as messy and inconvenient, a child runs and plays in. They are amazed at each individual snowflake and don't think about how they're going to clear it from the driveway. And they taste. They can't just look and feel, that's not enough, they need to tip back their head and taste the goodness. They taste the goodness of God.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good!"

Psalm 34:8(a)

A Fool for God

I was listening to God this morning before work and I asked Him what he wanted to say to me. He said one thing. Made sense. I wrote it down and kept listening. He said another thing. Ok. Good. Wrote it down. Kept listening. Then, he decided to expand on the second thing. And he didn't just expand with another idea. He expanded by telling me something specific to do. Something that, if I do it, I risk looking like a fool for God. I risk what a certain person thinks about me. I risk my comfort. But in not doing it, I risk the potential of that person being hurt. I tried the usual argument in my mind..."nah, that's just in my mind. That wasn't God." But it wouldn't leave. So then I admitted my fear to God and told him that I didn't know how to do this. He told me almost exactly what to say. How do you say "no" to that? So I agreed. I will follow God today. (it really is a daily choice, isn't it?)

I then went to my Bible and asked God where I should read from...I wanted Him to speak some concrete words (words that I could read with my own eyes) to me. He told me Psalm 19. I started reading it and thought, "yeah, this is nice...but nothing that I couldn't have read in any other Psalm on any other day." And then I turned the page and got to the last verse, verse 14.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be pleasing in your sight,

O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

I read it again. I remembered the tune I heard it sung to years ago. I sang it slowly. I sang it again. And again. I spoke it. I thought it. I read it again. I soaked in it for a few minutes. It has been running through my head all morning. This is my prayer today. That my words and thoughts be pleasing to God, my Rock and my Redeemer.

When the dog bites and the bee stings...

A Lesson in being Thankful

(these are a few of my favorite things)

Eggo Waffles with milk chocolate chips and white chocolate chips, alternating...worth the extra time in the morning (I put this same picture on my blog about two years ago and haven't eaten this since then, but in my mind, I still love it...)













The Shack - What a great book. If you haven't read it, read it. If you're not a "reader" that's no excuse. Read it anyway. It's worth it.










White Lightning Original - Anyone know what I'm talking about when I say that caulking the bathtub/windows/etc is a messy job? It doesn't help that the stuff isn't water-soluble and terribly sticky! You need to have enough rags on hand to be able to have a clean spot of rag available until the entire job is done and cleaned up! Ick! But wait...a caulk that can be dissolved by water? Yup, you read it right...all you need is water and this amazing stuff is cleaned up and your bathtub looks great again! (gotta put in my little plug since I work at a hardware store)












Bath & Body Works - One word: Smells. Mmm...










Arby's junior roast beef sandwich - this is what Nathan and I treat ourselves to in St. Vital mall when we need a quick meal while shopping. Nathan introduced me to them before we were married, in Regina, when we were on our way home from candidating in our church.










Playing piano. I've started playing more again. I've never played this specific song on piano...but I hear it's a good one.












p.s-I also like brown paper packages, wrapped up with string...just in case you ever needed to know.