Thoughts...from Second Street...

I struggle to put into words what I am feeling today. Sometimes those days/weeks hit. I am definitely feeling something, but how, exactly, do I put words to those feelings? I've heard the expression that women are like spaghetti (while men are like waffles) in that our emotions are all intertwined with every area of our life. There are no neat compartments (like waffles). The emotion from home gets mixed with work and work gets mixed with leisure and...you get the picture.

I'm feeling like a big bowl of steaming spaghetti today.

And when I feel like spaghetti (though I don't normally use this illustration in my head), I tend to make lists. Lists of things to do. Lists of Christmas requests (it is coming, Mom & Dad). And lists of my thoughts and feelings. I guess it is a futile effort to see life as something other than chaotic. A list tends to put in order that which was not, previously, in any specific order. So in an effort to share with you, I fear that I have no choice than to make a list. Neat sentences and paragraphs are not working for me these days.

Behold, my list:

• energized and happy lately
• unseen, unknown "thing" bugging me since yesterday
• finding out about pregnancies in 2's and 3's instead of one at a time...not sure it's any easier that way (Please understand, if you are one of those pregnant, that I am SO happy for you and am truly rejoicing with you in your pregnancy...really, I love to hear about friends and family who are adding to their families - it is an exciting time! - but this naturally draws my attention to the fact that we are yet without announcement of our own)
• not knowing about the future - both exciting and slightly stressful
• found out yesterday that we will be spending Christmas #3 in friendly Manitoba...were really counting on being able to go home to see family this year
  
• missing family (see above)
• hearing and learning from God lately is great - what a wonderful God we serve!
  
• energy gently draining away as the Christmas break gets wiped off the whiteboard of life for another year
• energy returning slightly with knowledge that Nathan has a job...we are being taken care of...
• not understanding my role in providing for our family...should I be working full time?
• confused
• at peace
• torn up inside
• excited

As I reread my list, I see the distinct contrasts between one thought and the next. That's exactly how I'm feeling today. Thoughts of one nature completely thrill and energize and move me! The next thoughts drain every ounce of energy and make me long for another day like Tuesday (my "Christmas" day this week that I wrote about in my last post). I am excited to see God providing for us and teaching us and guiding us. It is very exciting! It is a wonderful, blessed time in life for us! I am also struggling with getting caught up in today...why we don't have a baby yet and why we can't just do what we want to do because of outside forces in our life.

Life is good.

I am thrilled that God loves to get involved in our lives.

I am feeling peace about our future.

I am living one day at a time (or, at the very least, trying).

I am understanding my need for God like never before.

I am understanding marriage like never before.

I am journaling each morning like crazy!

Life is good.

God is in control.

And I am like spaghetti (and must therefore process accordingly).