A Retreat

So, I've been trying to add some pictures that I took last night to both my blogs, but they just look weird when I add them (all distorted???) so those will have to wait. Let me describe them, though, so you can picture them to go along with my words...First, on the left hand side, in a medium size, in letter format, you can imagine a picture of Nathan walking Lennox. Nathan is walking away from me and Lennox is looking back to see where I am. In front of Nathan (so in the back ground) the sun is setting and there is either fog or dust hanging in the air above the road ahead and the soccer field of the Bethany campus to the left (where the girls team was practicing - go team!). There are trees in the distance, where the road curves to the left, but these are mostly a silhouette against the setting sun. The next picture is pretty much the same, it is also on the left side of the blog in a medium sort of size. This one is positioned as a landscape. It looks alot like the first, only it also includes Nathan's mom & dad and their dog, Sheila, who is a golden retreiver. They are all walking into a hazy, dreamy sunset.

If you go over to my other blog...you will see post #67. It is a picture of two dogs running very fast. Lennox is in front, either teasing or running for his life away from Sheila. The background is blurred completely (as when something runs very quickly) and the dogs are just barely in focus. The dogs are backlit with the setting sun lighting Sheila's golden back perfectly.

One day I will try to post these again so that you can see how accurate your imagination actually is. Or how good I am at describing things...

Yesterday, Nathan and I drove down to Hepburn, Saskatchewan. (warning:about to get sappy) This is the place where we first met. The place we did most of our dating. The place we held hands for the first time. The place we left on our very first date from. Alas, not the place we had our first kiss, but where our skills in that area were somewhat honed. It holds a special place in our hearts, and it is always lovely to be back. The biggest reason it is so special to be back is that Nathan's parents and brother now live here, but it is kinda nice to be able to return to a place with so many memories every once in a while.

Some of you may have noticed that I posted back on Friday, Sept 19 that we were headed out on a "sweet escape". You may ask, "Didn't you say that you were headed out in a few minutes for the promised land, Niki?" Good question, blog reader friend. This has a long story behind it and I have yet to decide if I will tell it...let me think...

Ok, after talking with Nathan (who's relaxing beside me with a game controller in his hands), here goes:

Starting on Thursday, Sept 11, a few of my posts have been Psalm 139...Here goes...Some of these days you just need to close your eyes for a while...He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be...Sweet Escape... These have all been written regarding something that has been changing my life, and my husband's, for just over two weeks now.

I guess we could call this secret #5?

Two weeks ago, on Wednesday, Sept 10, it came out to the church that Nathan has been struggling with internet pornography. This is something that has never been a secret from me, but Nathan never quite knew how to tell the church or ask for accountability from anyone within the church. Who is safe? Who will judge? Who will understand? After feeling freedom from this struggle throughout Bible school and our first year of marriage/the first year in the church in Altona, this struggle came back. At that time, Nathan sought accountability from me and a friend out of town, but when the meetings stopped with the out of town friend, things started to get harder and harder. I continued to support, love, forgive and keep Nathan accountable every day, but little did we know that this was something that couldn't be kicked with just the two of us fighting.

When the church found out, it was a breaking point. It is, understandably so, a source of shame and darkness. Something that is much more comfortable when in the dark and when it started being brought into the light, we got uncomfortable. We went through periods of feeling judged, helped, understood, misunderstood and vulnerable. The first Sunday being in church after everything came out to the board/other pastors, was the Sunday of God breaking me in church ("Here goes..."). I believe that God wanted to break me at the same time as Nathan so that I wouldn't be trying to hold more than I could handle. He gently took my burden for a child that Sunday and helped me to understand that he is in faithful control. I handed over my struggle with not having children yet, and sharing openly about this stuggle was a huge step in being able to let go.

The first week of the church knowing was filled with meetings and confession and coming into the light for Nathan. For me, it was a week of supporting Nathan and praying and being stretched. The next Wednesday, after Nathan confessed to the church board, he was asked to step down for a two week suspension until they figured out what to do. We were glad for this decision and thought that this would be a good chance to head to Saskatchewan a couple days early to see family and have a chance to think and pray about the situation from a distance. (Isn't distance wonderful?) We arrived in Hepburn late Friday night and got a call from the board, asking us to return for a meeting the following night because they had made a plan. Now, we completely understand that the church board would have asked us to stay in town longer if they'd thought it was probable that we would be needed before Nathan's class started. But in all the activities and stress of the previous week, it didn't cross their minds that we should stay in town until after their Friday night meeting. I completely understand and forgive them for their oversight. Nonetheless, we were frustrated, tired from the 10 hour drive, and turning around less than 12 hours later for another 10 hour drive.

We returned to Altona on Saturday and attended the meeting and were presented with a plan for healing and restoration. After much prayer and thought, we accepted the proposal and have felt peace since.

The proposal includes several steps of counseling, a spiritual retreat, and accountability, but perhaps the largest step is a 5 month unpaid suspension from ministry for Nathan. We couldn't see how we could continue to serve while going through all necessary steps of healing, but we also didn't realize what a 5 month suspension would mean until a couple days later when we started thinking about jobs and finances and everything that this change in our lives would entail. But we can say, with confidence, that this is good.

We made the decision to drive back to Hepburn yesterday with hopes of spending some good time with family (who we hadn't seen in months), relaxing and being away from the situation that seems to affect every area of our lives (even runs to the grocery store), and returning rejuvenated and ready to job-search and see what life outside of full-time ministry is like. Throughout our entire married life (aside from our one week honeymoon) we have been in ministry. One week after our wedding, we went to Redberry Bible Camp to work for 3 months and mixed into the end of that summer at camp, we were already moving to Altona and starting ministry as their youth pastor couple. This will be a nice change in pace to understand each other outside of full-time ministry.

Our marriage has been strong and growing stronger throughout these last two weeks. God has given us a measure of patience, peace, and unending love for one another. Without God and people's prayers, I'm sure our life would have looked much different lately. But God is faithful and he has been providing. I'm sure the next five months will not be all easy, but I have confidence that God will provide for us financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess you could say that "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)