More secrets...

secret ˈsēkrit
adjective
• not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others
• fond of or good at keeping things about oneself unknown : he can be the most secret man.

Sometimes, I believe, we can lie to ourselves. We can lie even while searching and aching for the truth. We can lie to God. We can be suspect of God’s goodness and faithfulness, even while searching for God and trying to get to know him more. All it takes is not wanting to let go of absolutely everything. All it takes is wanting something so bad that you have a hard time trusting God with it because you’re not sure you’ll like what he does with it.

There is something that I haven’t been able to be honest with myself about. Something that I haven’t been able to give to God because I’m not sure that he will do what I want with it. I’ve held onto a piece of this thing for the past two years (or longer?), not willing to fully submit to God for fear that I’ll be disappointed, or I’ll have to change. I tried to keep control of this, yet the ironic thing is that the entire time I was praying for God to be in control. As if I could pray for God to be in control and, as a reward, receive what I wanted.

Through this breaking point that I have come to in this, God has shown me that this is a skewed theology that I have always had. I’ve prayed for God to be in control of a situation as my way of feeling that I will deserve what I want if I “give it to God.” This doesn’t work and it undermines God’s love, protection, and ultimate will.

Secret #4
Two years ago this month, Nathan and I started trying to have a baby. I thought that this would be a quick conception and that roughly a year later we would most likely be welcoming our first child into the world. The year came and went and there was no child. Nothing at all.

Around the eight months of trying point, I started to get worried. Why was nothing happening? We went through points when our future plans were up in the air and we would take a month or two off of trying. I even tried to go back on the pill, but that was never a good thing for my hormones and between the disappointment of not having a child yet and my hormones going CRAZY, I went through really low, depressed times and wasn’t enjoying life at all anymore. The pill was out, but there are still other forms of birth control, right?

After coming off the pill for the second time, my system leveled out and I felt pretty good, though the thoughts about having a baby wouldn’t leave me. This entire time we were praying for God’s timing for our family and yet I was trying each month to time everything just right and to pray just right and be faithful to God’s will so that he would see my efforts and reward me. And every month (or longer because my body likes to give me hope most months for a couple weeks) I would go through days of extreme discontentment and depression. This would pass fairly quickly most months, usually within a day or two, and the hope for the next month would replace it. Each month I had the hope that this would be the month. This month I would get it right and we would be blessed.

About a year and four months into the process, I was getting fairly worried and talked to my doctor. She said, very quickly, that they don’t even consider testing until it’s been two full years of trying. At that point, she put me on some medication to level out my thyroid levels which, she said, could be the culprit to our infertility. Thinking that this would solve all, I started taking the pills, sure that in three months when my body was adjusted, we would conceive. Another few months go by with nothing.

This summer was the hardest time for me. As we approached the two year mark, I started wondering about testing. Does it show a lack of faith in God if I have tests done to see if everything is normal? Will God prevent me from EVER getting pregnant if I do the tests? I struggled with this for an entire month or longer and, after finding out that there was no pregnancy yet again, I decided to ask for tests. My doctor was still reluctant to do anything (how insensitive, I felt…she must have no idea what trying women go through every month and how this consumes their lives), but when I told her that it had been two years, she sent us for some basic tests.

Best news that I’d heard in a while: All is normal.

Next step is telling our parents and asking them to pray. I felt that this would for sure be the month, so not wanting to say anything for fear of ruining the surprise, we waited until we knew. Again, nothing. So we’ve shared with both of our parents and have asked them to pray. And now I’m sharing with you. Over the past couple years, I have found some people who have also struggled and are stuggling through their honesty and openness on their blogs. So now I am being honest. This has been my struggle for the past two years. I have never had any other dream for my life than to care for my husband and children…to be a wife and mother.

Last Sunday, God broke me. I went to church, as I posted, and each song was about surrender, breaking, and healing. It seemed everyone around me was either pregnant or had a baby. Even Nathan noticed how many babies there were that morning. I held it in until I got home and then cried. I can’t try anymore. I can’t be disappointed for another month. I have to let go of this. I have to truly give it to God and focus on something else. I have to create a new focus/dream for my life, trusting that God knows exactly how much I long for a child of our own. I can trust him with that and have faith that if he wants to bless us with a child, that the timing will be perfect. There is nothing I can do to control that in any way. I just need to truly surrender and trust him. He does know so much better than we do what the timing should be. I think I’m seeing a glimpse of why it hasn’t happened yet…and it’s good.

So that’s secret #4.