Here goes...

When I was in high school, my grade 12 year, I did a Bible study with a small group called Discipleship Essentials by Greg Ogden. I remember it impacting my walk with the Lord and relationships with others hugely, so for the past couple months (or is it years already?) I have had the book sitting around, intending to go through it again. Last night I picked it up and Nathan and I decided to go through it together. It was my turn with the book first, so I started reading the introduction and first chapter last night. In the first paragraph, this line hit me and already I was impacted: "The more honest and transparent you are with others, the more you are entrusting your life to the Lord."



Lately, I have felt like my life is full of secrets. As a young pastor's wife, I have struggled with being open and transparent since moving here three years ago. I felt that I needed to appear perfect and I was afraid that all of my decisions and thoughts were being second-guessed and judged. I was afraid of people not liking me or not wanting to be around me. In a new place where you don't know anyone, this fear is very real. New struggles started to develop in our life and, as a result of my fears of sharing and being real, secrets started to form.



Yesterday was a breaking point for me. It started out in church. We sang songs and read Scripture and the words "surrender", "break me", "hope", and "healing" were everywhere. These are words that I have been struggling with lately and it felt like God was talking to me so clearly. This is also something that I've been asking of God lately, for him to speak to me and for me to know it is Him without question. Well, there was no question yesterday morning. I fought back tears through the whole service.



As soon as the service was over, I hurried home as quickly as possible. Upon stepping through the door and collapsing on my bed, the tears flowed. Surrender. Brokenness. Hope. Healing. God promises that if we surrender it all to him, and allow ourselves to be broken, that there is hope and healing in Him. It is suddenly so clear, yet so painful and hard to accept.



After such an emotional morning, to read about being honest and transparent that evening struck a chord in me. Is God asking me to surrender my safety that I feel in my secrets? Is he asking me to surrender certain things in my life that I've been struggling with?



This is a huge step for me. I've been holding everything in for three years. I intend to share my secrets here. I pray that I won't be judged because of them, but if I am, that's the nature of sharing with other humans. You can't take the freedom of sharing without the risk of people not understanding or responding differently than you wish they would. My secrets will not all come out today, but as God frees me, and as I share with certain people first, I will share. I will share in the hope that I can grow to trust God more, that I can grow to trust people more, and that I can encourage others in knowing that they are not alone in their secrets.


So here goes...


My first secret: I am broken. I struggle. I am not perfect. I am selfish. I am human. Just because I'm a pastor's wife, doesn't mean that I have it all together. Surprise!

Number two: I have had a hard time feeling like I fit in in Altona. I have had a hard time making friends and have been bitter against people, families, the town and the church. People have asked how I like Altona and if I feel at home. What am I going to say about this place that the people who ask love? It's their hometown! I've really gone through periods of struggle and depression. I've gotten used to the town and have learned to appreciate certain things about it...I've made some great friends and some feel like family, but some days it still feels like I'm sacrificing things like family/friends/familiarity for the "mission field." I love my life with Nathan and Lennox in our house on Second Street, but some days are still tough.

Number three: I am not sure that I am cut out for youth ministry. I love youth. I love to be around them. I love to pour into their lives. But I'm not sure that that is where my passions and giftings lie. How terrible...a youth pastor's wife who doesn't feel the same way about youth ministry as her husband.

And so there's a start. Honesty. Transparency. Brokenness.