Thoughts from Second Street

New Blog

2009-03-18T12:06:00.002-05:00

In case some of you missed it...I've made the big blog switch...follow me over here!

What Else is Red? (this is a link...you click on it, and it will take you to my new blog)

Introducing...

2009-03-12T11:59:00.002-05:00

When I was in kindergarten, a very popular question was, “What is your favourite color?” (I guess we were learning our colors so we would naturally choose a favourite one) As I recall, teachers would ask this, parents might ask…but usually it was a very important question when finding a new friend. “What is your name and what is your favourite color? Blue? Ok, we can be friends.”

A very popular favourite color was the color red. Therefore, I hated red. It was too popular for me…kinda snobby. I’d sooner choose less popular colors to be my favourite, like orange. I couldn’t give red the satisfaction of being everyone’s favourite.

Red has grown on me.

It is a purposeful color…stop signs…ambulance lights…brake lights…

It is a yummy color…strawberries…apples…cherries…lollipops…Kool-Aid…you see juicy and red and your mouth starts to water!

It is a memory-filled color…who doesn’t remember coloring with a red crayon…wearing a red shirt or red pair of pants…or red shoes…using the red teeter-totter in the playground…

It is a random color. Describe anything with the color red, and it becomes a random, simple object of beauty. The red kite. The red wagon. The red _______. (you get the picture)

As I thought about what the name should be for my new blog, I had many thoughts and went through countless options...Experiment of Experience was the first serious one I considered. Then I thought of doing a blog focused around the blessing in my life...which was a good idea, but not really what I’m going for. And then I was reading my Bible one day and I read about the Red Kite. (it’s a bird that the Israelites were either supposed to or not supposed to eat, I can’t remember which) Anyway, it hit me that that would be a great name for my new blog! The Red Kite! So I went to create it and low and behold, someone else had snatched that one up! Arg! I finally find a name that I like and it’s gone! So I tried different things, like The Red Wagon. Little Red Wagon. The Little Red Wagon. Nope. Nothing. Finally, I shouted in frustration, “What else is red?!?” (well, I didn’t really shout, but I was getting pretty annoyed that all the good names were taken) And my new blog name was born.

What Else is Red?

What does it mean, you ask? Well, I was going with the red theme, because of what I said before. “It is a random color. Describe anything with the color red, and it becomes a random, simple object of beauty.” My blog is pretty random. Sometimes it is completely shallow and fun. Other times it is deep. It’s about my life. It’s about my thoughts. It’s about me. Simple, beautiful, random.

So I invite you, each and every one of you, to join me as I move from Second Street and explore all things simple and beautiful and random. Continue to get to know me as I grow (not literally) and explore and experience new things.

What Else is Red?

Sidenote: I’ve gotten over my prejudice against red and quite enjoy the color now, though if the choice is between a red sucker and an orange one, I still choose orange every time.

............................ Alone............................

2009-03-11T12:15:00.004-05:00

She stands in a field

alone and still
her back to me as I watch.
she looks to her feet
the ground cracked and dry
how she longs to help
with her tears.
but choking them back
she looks up instead
where to struggle to now?
the field around her is vast
an expanse with no end
yet all she knows
is a box
she sees no expanse
just a trap with no door
how will she move from this place?
she frantically pants,
fear clutching her chest
squeezing and not letting go
I see nothing but beauty
yet for her it is pain
she struggles to breathe
as she pounds.
there is no escape
no cry from her lips
can’t she see that
she’s nothing but free?

Niki
February 18, 2007

Life continues...

2009-03-09T12:01:00.004-05:00

Nathan and I have been continuing to enjoy our lazy evenings together. It has been 6 months now since we’ve worked in the church, and, therefore, 6 months since we’ve had weekly evening events. We have developed quite the routine. I am usually home from work before Nathan, so I get supper started and then go and pick Nathan up. If Lennox hasn’t been walked, Nathan (or I) will take him for his ½ hour walk, while supper is cooking. Then shower, eat, and dishes come next (in that order). Once dishes are done, I get relaxed for the evening and join Nathan in the living room for either some tv or video games (Rock Band these days) or some reading of whatever book we each happen to be interested in at the time. These are our three usual evening activities, but sometimes we trade in the “usual” for an evening out with friends or for me to work on a craft-type project that I have on the go. Oh, and every week or so, our favorite tv shows (Chuck, Private Practice, CSI) are joined by some serious Canasta games. We have had a running score since Jan 22, 2005…that's four months before our wedding. Currently, Nathan is trying desperately to catch up from being behind me by 30,000 points. He’s done well with catching up, and I think he’s only behind by about 15,000 points now. Good times. Especially good times if Nathan is winning though…

(this is our score sheet - the back of an old Bethany memo)

Hmm…what else do we do? Oh! On Saturday, we were sitting around doing our usual Saturday things (watching Uber-guide and Driving Television – can you tell we have peasant-vision?) and I was just antsy to DO something. (sidenote: I’ve been getting that way a lot lately – antsy - so much talk and thought of excitement in California soon and not much excitement in the everyday these days.) So, upon Nathan’s suggestion, we scouted out the nearest travel agency downtown and picked up a bunch of travel brochures highlighting tours of Europe. I managed to sneak a few South American brochures into the pile too, but we put them away pretty quickly when we saw that they were more than twice as expensive as Europe…who knew? Anyway, so we planned our 30 day European tour and then decided at the end of a couple hours that we should probably spend our money on school and not on traveling…we wouldn’t take out a loan to travel, so why would we spend the money we have now and find, in a year, that we have to take out a student loan because of the traveling that we did? Hopefully we’ll be able to travel with some extra money (???) to celebrate Nate’s MA in two years…

The house has been on the market for…6 days now, I think. Well, today is the 6^th day. We’ve shown the house once and had two phone calls. We will possibly show it two more times this week. That’s pretty encouraging. Let’s hope people don’t get used to seeing the “For Sale” sign and forget to think about buying it! We’re not too worried. The market is pretty good in town these days (so we hear) so there shouldn’t be an issue with selling it.

(Don’t worry, this is not where we have the “For Sale” sign currently…I just had to get a picture of the whole deal before the sign went out to the curb…)

Any takers?

The Mop is in need of a Trim…

2009-03-03T12:15:00.004-06:00

Any suggestions for a new cut and/or color would be appreciated! I’m tired of the same old thing! I need something drastically new! Help!

(send links to pictures you find that you think might work)

(This is right after my shower, so it's kinda like a 12 year old boy's hockey hair...but that way you can see how TOTALLY UNMANAGEABLE it is!!!)

Prayer Request…please take a minute right now to pray with us that the right person will come along and buy our house. We are putting a “for sale” sign up today/tomorrow. If anyone knows of anyone looking for a house in my town, go ahead and tell them about us!

Some things I think about…

2009-03-02T12:14:00.000-06:00

Does God give dreams that He doesn’t allow his children to realize?

Is it possible to have a dream that you find looks completely different in reality than it did in your dream?

Is there a difference between striving toward your goals/dreams and living fully in the present with what God has given you? Can you do both at the same time?

Sometimes I think about what I would like my life to look like…who doesn’t do that sometimes, right? I have things in my mind that I would like to see or experience. I have certain ideas about what I would like my life to look like. At 60 or 70 or 80 years old, I don’t want to look back on my life and wish I’d done things differently…wish I’d had a different life. I’d like to live without regrets.

I’ve always assumed that to not have children would be to have regrets one day. There was a time, not that long ago, when I couldn’t picture myself going through life, especially after 30, without children and eventually grandchildren. I thought my life would be a waste if not for children to raise and love.

And then God got into my mind and shook everything up (we need a good shake every now and then, and I don’t think He minds accommodating that). Really, what is my purpose here? Is it to live out my dreams (as I see them), or is it to be fully available to God, for Him to use for His purposes? I do believe that God gives dreams and gifts. And I do believe He gives them for a reason. For the longest time I thought that meant that my life would go according to my dreams...I dream and long to be a wife and mother, therefore I would have a husband and children and live the cookie-cutter life (complete with white picket fence).

But what if God has something different for me? What if my dream of motherhood will take on a different form than pregnancy and birth and children filling my home? What if I will be a “mother” to others who are not my children? What if God has something different and better for me? I know what I dream...but what if I’m not seeing the big picture? Do I actually trust that God’s way is better than mine? Mine looks pretty good…and I’m sure it would work and I would have a wonderfully happy, fulfilling life. But is God going to use me in some other way if I make myself available to Him?

Perhaps…

O Canada!

2009-02-26T12:00:00.002-06:00

Of all the things I'll miss about Canada...

Carmilk bars
Heinz ketchup
Canadian Currency (specifically loonies and toonies)
Good iced tea
Canadian culture
Eh?
Health care
CBC
Tim Hortons' chili with country bun
Spruce/pine trees
learning French from shampoo bottles/cereal boxes/everything
Canadian Lumber, Canadian Tire, Real Canadian Superstore (etc)
Holidays that, according to my calendar, are only Canadian...

St. David's Day
Easter Monday
Victoria Day
Canada Day
August Long Weekend
Labour Day ("Labour" spelled with a "u")
Thanksgiving Day (in the thankful month)
Remembrance Day
St. Andrew's Day
Boxing Day

Small towns with 30 people, not 30 000 people

I will not miss…

The winters.
cold
snow
wind
ice
freezing rain

ICK. When I walk outside and the wind is blowing my hair and cutting into my skin and the ice makes walking and driving near impossible and I shovel the driveway, only to have the wind throw the snow right back in my face and small icicles form on my eyelashes within seconds…I just remind myself that next winter I won’t have to deal with any of this.

I’m hoping that being away from winter gives me a new appreciation for it. Otherwise, I’m not sure how I’ll be able to come back after two years!

Seriously?!

2009-02-25T12:53:00.002-06:00

“I defile my tongue with sub-par coffee once a year because maybe, just maybe, I’ll win…another sup-par coffee?” - Nathan

All I can say is, “seriously?” Does Tim Horton not send any winning cups to Manitoba??? I won every time when I lived in Saskatchewan! And I hear someone in BC is on a winning streak…but Manitoba? Nope…I’ve been trying to win a new vehicle in Winkler for four years now! I’m not sure I’ve even won a donut in all those hot chocolates! I’m beginning to feel like my tongue is being defiled as well…

Excitement at the Post Office

2009-02-24T12:08:00.000-06:00

I saw the most interesting thing in the Post Office this morning. I am so glad I got there at the minute I did. I’m glad I didn’t have to wait for parking so that I could see this. This, to me, is what small town life is about. This is what small town life, with a lot of seniors, is about. I burst out laughing (inside, of course – but my laughter almost exploded to the outside) when I saw this. It was kind of weird and kind of gross…and definitely made me never want to get old. But the lady was so sweet. She must have had a hangnail that couldn’t wait, because I walked into the post office to hear the unmistakeable sound of nail clippers. I followed the noise with my eyes, and there before me was a little old lady clipping her nails. Right in the middle of the post office!

Am I the only one with a sad, twisted sense of humour, or do you find that as hilarious as I do? Please tell me I’m not alone?

Stones

2009-02-22T16:03:00.008-06:00

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
...
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
...
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
...
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak...
(Ecclesiastes 3)

As Ecclesiastes puts it so well, there truly is a time for everything. And in the past months/years, I have been learning to embrace each season as it comes. Of course it makes perfect logical sense, but to really live by this is much, much more difficult.

Fall was a season of lightening the load; of humbling myself; of allowing people into the secrets and receiving their care and support. There were a few months when I felt that I needed desperately to share what was happening in my mind and heart. (I was about to explode if I hadn't!)

In the weeks that followed the sharing of these "secrets" as I called them, I felt such tremendous relief and encouragement. It was the season for sharing, or "to speak" as Ecclesiastes puts it, and I embraced that. A time to scatter the stones which were my thoughts, and trust that they would fall on the right ears.

And now I feel that I am entering a season to be silent. A time to gather these "thought stones" to myself and to ponder what they mean and what God is saying to me through them. It's time to turn these things quietly over in my mind and with those close to me.

I assure you, God is moving. He is doing amazing things and I want to respond faithfully and with worship.

Will my blog be silent? No. Will I not share what God is doing? No. But I will be treading lightly. I will be holding certain thoughts close. Do I regret anything that I've shared here? Not at all. Thanks for riding along this journey with me. I invite you to continue with me as I enter a new phase of life in just a few months.

video games...

2009-02-18T12:04:00.004-06:00

So…video games are kinda a big thing in our house. Well, they’re especially big for one specific member of our household. (disclaimer: when I say it’s a “big” thing, it’s only about 4-5 hours a week.) My husband does enjoy his gaming. In fact, this month he was trying to convince me that he needs a “catch-up” allowance so that he can actually have some cash in his sock basket once in a while instead of always spending the next month’s allowance on games before he actually sees any dough. Funny guy. But yeah, video games. Well, my hubby is pretty good at video games. He has a couple systems (which he has purchased with his allowance and received as gifts) and a decent number of games. He can pick up a game and right away knows how to play and where to go. He has finished (or wrapped, for the old-school readers out there) the majority of his games that he owns…at least I think he has. He loves to relax after a long week with a game controller (or remote as he called it this week – haha) in his hand and his eyes glued to the alternate world on the other side of that screen. Well, whatever works for him, I suppose.

And then there’s me. I grew up being quite the gamer. I was right on top of games such as Donkey Kong (Country), Super Mario Bros, and Top Gear (car racing). (yeah, we only had three games growing up…but two of them were pretty amazing!) My brother (and sometimes my sister) and I would spend our Saturdays trying desperately (and sometimes it was desperately) to pass just one more level…just one more world. Then we could save and come for supper. Oh, the good old days.

I remember trying to convince Mom and Dad to give it a shot. Every once in a while, they would humor us and sit down for a couple minutes and play. We would eagerly push the controller into their hands and quickly explain which button controlled what. Then we would glue our eyes to the television and watch little Mario or Diddy Kong walk slowly across the screen, only to walk straight into a “bad guy” or down a hole. Then we kids would laugh hysterically and try to explain what to do differently in that situation in order to stay alive. I remember Dad, especially, protesting that these games were so confusing because he didn’t know where to go or what to do! I thought that was so strange because it was a side-scrolling game and there was only one way to go…forward. Little did I know that games would eventually become 3-D and one could not only walk to the right, but also to the left, front and back! What innovation! Now I watch Nathan play video games and he tries to convince me to take a turn. Every once in a while, I’ll humor him and sit down for a couple minutes and play. Nathan eagerly pushes the controller (or remote) into my hand and quickly explains which button controls what. My mind barely grasps what he just said and the game is starting. I’ll wander around and soon the screen turns red and I’ve met my maker. I just shake my head and protest that I didn’t even know where I was supposed to go! (and what a dumb game it is) Life is a vicious circle…

Sometimes my brother comes over and, when hubby isn’t home, we sit down and turn on the X-box. We choose a game that we think we can handle and each grab a controller. Twenty minutes later, when we’ve figured out how to turn the system on and get the game going (selecting two players is especially difficult), we fumble our way around these strange virtual places and laugh like we were 10 again. Neither of us has stayed current with the gaming world…he, like me, is much more comfortable with the old-school Super Nintendo controller in hand and games like Donkey Kong or Super Mario on the screen (which, by the way, we can wrap in just under an hour now).

Twenty Five Things...

2009-02-13T12:05:00.000-06:00

Have any of you heard about the “25 things” note that is going around Facebook? Ok, maybe I should re-phrase that: Have any of you not heard about the “25 things” note that is going around Facebook? It’s like a very contagious virus! It seems everyone has been touched by it! I thought it might just be a thing that I had gotten (at least 25 times) but it turns out that pretty much everyone in the world of Facebook has gotten it! Most nights Nathan and I turn the radio on to CBC as we are falling asleep and listen to the program “Q”. (Yeah, we go to bed early these days) I was surprised to hear even the host on the program mention this! He likened it (yes, I used the word “likened”) to the old-school chain letter! I thought, yeah, that’s exactly what it is! Does anyone else remember chain letters? I suppose that’s a question that I already know the answer to, considering that the average age of my blog readers is probably about 29. We all know what I mean when I write “chain letter.” I used to love chain letters when I was a kid. I was always the person who mailed away a pack of stickers, or pretty panties, or a pair of socks. I don’t recall ever receiving anything in return. Weren’t we always promised something like 25 or 30 of whatever we sent? I’ve gotten slightly cynical over the years. My negative experiences have corrupted my faith in the chain letter system. I am suspicious of any letter which promises great gain with a small investment. What? Really? I’ll receive 625 random thoughts from others and all I need to do is come up with 25 random thoughts of my own? Wow! That is too good to be true! I could be reading people’s random lists for hours! Needless to say, I overcame the almost overwhelming temptation to start my own list of 25 things and tag 25 of my friends to join in the fun. I probably have 25 reasons for leaving you all in suspense over what my list would be. But I also have a list of 25 other things that I should be doing right now instead of typing this...

More tired, random thoughts...

2009-02-12T12:02:00.002-06:00

I am so ready for a long weekend. Nathan and I decided that the person who invented the February long weekend was a genius. Then, we thought that it was probably the government who came up with it, and we had to withdraw our statement.

I have been SO tired lately. Maybe it’s the lack of sunshine…or maybe it’s how busy I’ve been during the days working at home. Whatever it is, it’s got me in a funk and I’m hoping the long weekend will snap me out of it.

I’ve been thinking lately about going back to school…about finishing my BA. It would give me something to do while Nathan’s in class, and I might be able to use it in ministry in the future. The thing is…it’s not something that I feel like I need to have to be able to be involved in ministry as a wife. But what if I want to be employed, myself, in a place that requires me to have a BA? That is definitely a possibility (especially if we don’t have kids). A few classes could help me (some ministry or practical theology courses) but some of those old testament courses I just have no interest in! Plus, I have a terrible time listening in class, so I’m not sure that I would come out much smarter in the end anyway! Oh well…something that I’ll have to keep mulling over in my head.

Another thought has been selling the house. How much do we ask? I know, I know…get in a professional who can tell us what it’s worth. But if we can guess how much it’s worth and save ourselves a bit of moo-lah, well, I’m all for that! My goal is that, by the end of the weekend, I’ll have the house ready to be shown to potential buyers. In the past week or two, I’ve been going through the house, room-by-room, and paring down what we own. While I have gotten rid of a couple garbage bags of “stuff” but it has left the basement a disaster zone! I have boxes and piles of stuff that are either packed or ready for the garage sale. I’m going to need to hide those piles and boxes so that it looks like we still live there for potential buyers!

Well, that’s about it…more random thoughts from second street. It’s sure hard to write when I'm just wanting to sleep the day away. Oh well...there's at least something for your entertainment!

Random Thoughts From Second Street…

2009-02-10T12:07:00.000-06:00

- My shoulders are stiff from walking around on an inch of ice for two days…but I can’t really complain, because the ice means that the temperature was above freezing…which means that it is warm…which means that there really is such a thing as spring! There is still hope for summer…sometimes in winter I forget that warm weather is real…it’s not just a wonderful dream that I once had…

- I haven’t been working a lot lately. Winter is a lot slower around here than summer is, so I’ve gone from 35 hours a week in summer down to about 15 hours a week now. I’m enjoying having more time at home to figure out what we’ll try to sell at our garage sale, what we’ll move, and what we’ll take. I’ve also enjoyed being able to have supper ready for Nathan and doing extra things again like baking buns/bread, keeping things not only tidy, but clean, and keeping the laundry done and put away. And God is taking care of us financially, despite both of us making less than we were six months ago, so that’s an extra blessing!

- What am I reading? Hmm…I just finished “Blindness”, by Jose Saramango. It was VERY well written and it was an interesting read…there were no names throughout the entire book, yet the characters never got confusing. There were other things that the author did as well which made the reader feel blind while reading the book. I definitely recommend it. Then, I read “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd which I also recommend. It, too, is fiction, and also a very well written book. (It was refreshing to read two books in a row that were both so well written! It makes me more picky about the next book I read though!) If you haven’t read these and enjoy deep, thought-provoking literature, you could read either of them. And if you just want to lose yourself in a story, which I sometimes do too, these are also good for that. Now, I’m working my way through “When the Heart Waits” also by Sue Monk Kidd. I’ve only read one chapter, but it is also a worthwhile read. When God asks you to wait, we try to busy ourselves with waiting, thus finding it difficult to wait. What we need to do is just be still…don’t think about waiting as doing nothing…just deliberately…silently…wait.

- I have been craving pizza lately…and I had it three days in a row over the weekend. I can’t believe that I spent the first 21 years of my live loathing the very existence of pizza!

- I cannot make cinnamon rolls…since I’ve been married, I’ve tried almost a dozen times, and I only remember one instance where they actually worked. I just don’t understand…I follow the recipe to the letter (and I NEVER do that!), and they’re either dry or not cooked in the middle (yet crispy on the outside). I got a headache last night because I was so mad that they didn’t work yet again! I put so much effort into making them and then I have to throw them away because they flop. Nathan suggested that maybe it’s the oven I have. I’d like to go with that explanation…it is pretty old and weird…but why, then, does everything else turn out wonderfully???

Yup, so those are some of my random thoughts. Of course there are thoughts of children and moving and school and such…but random is sometimes a nice break from the world of seriousness…

My challenge to you, should you choose to accept:
Think of a random thing from your life. Got it? Is it really random? Something that you’re not stressing about at all? Ok. Good. Now click on the “Comments” link at the end of this post, and share your random thought with me. Do it…

Oh, Lennox...

2009-02-05T12:04:00.005-06:00

Dogs are just like kids in some ways, and though these ways are few and far between, something Lennox did yesterday really reminded me of something a kid would do.

I was trying to clean up the kitchen so that I could take a picture for a “for sale” flyer. So, I moved Lennox’s mat (which is usually between the kitchen and living room) and all his toys to the hallway/bathroom while I took the picture. By the time I picked up the camera and walked to the other side of the kitchen, he had already brought one of his toys back to the kitchen floor and was on his way back to the bathroom to get another one. How can you get upset with that?! He just wanted to play! He didn’t know that I wanted

a clean floor for the picture! I tried putting his toys back in the bathroom and ran with the camera to take a picture. Too late again. He’s quick! This time he lay down on the floor with his ball and started chewing on it. Well, a dog in a picture is fine (makes the place look homey), but not so much for anyone who wants to buy a house. So I finally figured out that if I called him to me, he would come sit at my feet, ball in mouth hoping to play, and I could quickly snap the picture while he looked up at my with his big brown eyes. It worked and I got a good picture!

New Blog...ideas?

2009-02-04T12:02:00.002-06:00

Seeing as how in a few months I will no longer live on Second Street, I will be starting a new blog as we start a new phase of life. I have a few ideas for some names for the new blog, but I'm open to ideas...can you think of anything creative? Please share!

Be sure to keep your eyes open in the next few months for the big blog switch!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes….Announcements regarding…life…

2009-02-03T12:08:00.002-06:00

By now, many of you know a bit about who I am. You probably have an idea of where I live (creepy?) and what my husband and I do for a living. You may even know that I have a dog, Lennox. Well, a lot of that is about to change. My world is going to be turned upside down…and I’m curiously, cautiously excited about it.

For the last 3 ½ years, Nathan and I have been living in southern MB, 3 of those years in our beautiful little house on Second Street. I’ve been working in the office at a lumber yard. Nathan has been the youth pastor at one of the churches here. I’ve been teaching piano lessons to some great girls one afternoon a week. Life is usually very routine, and I like it.

On Sunday, we resigned from the church. We had been feeling that God was giving us the ok to move on, but with fall’s circumstances, we pushed these thoughts aside and focused on healing and being here. In January, we re-opened the “future” package and took a long, hard look inside. What is God calling us to do now? We were prepared to set aside all thoughts of moving on if that was what God was asking us to do. After much prayer and many hours of talking through different possibilities, we felt that God was calling us back to school.

We are hoping to sell our house this spring and move in late June/early July. We have to be here for this next grade 12 grad…these are the youth who were in grade 9 when we started here. We’ve been with them all the way through senior youth (minus this year). In August, we hope to move as much stuff as we can pack into our little Toyota Corolla and make the long trek to Fresno, California. Mennonite Brethren Biblical Seminary is calling our name. Nathan will take their two year Master of Theology program. This will allow him to either continue on in pastoral ministry or to work in a Bible College setting. At this point, we’re not sure where we will be after seminary. I guess it could be anywhere!

But so far this email has been so formal. That’s kinda how announcements are. Tell what’s happening…share the details. Now it’s time for what I’m thinking about it!

Like I said before, I’m “curiously, cautiously excited.” I feel peace about the decision. I feel supported by the church and by our families and friends. I feel excited about the thought of experiencing something so new and different very soon. But I am also curious about what it will be like. I don’t know all the details about the move (which I don’t feel like I need to know…it’s not stressing me out) but I’m curious as to how it will all play out. I’m cautious because I don’t want my excitement to cloud the last few months I have here in town. I want to make the most of my time here, because I have some wonderful friends and I love life. I don’t want to look back and wish that I’d been more present here instead of always having my mind in the future.

It feels good to have people know what our thoughts are for the future. It was getting more and more tough to always be guarding what we were saying. Now we can mention selling the house and school and moving and we really don’t have to worry about who hears.

Well, that’s our news! Anyone know someone who wants to buy a house in our town?

Walking on Water…

2009-02-02T12:11:00.003-06:00

As I was listening to God this morning, I got this image of Peter stepping out of the boat and walking on the water to Jesus. I was Peter. I was walking on the water with Jesus. The water was my life and I was trusting Jesus to keep me afloat. Then, Peter/I started to sink. It was a fact. The water was coming up my calves…my feet were sinking into the water…I WAS sinking. It wasn’t a lack of faith, I didn’t think. I just took note of the wind and waves around me and looked down and my feet were getting more and more wet. I cried out to Jesus, and he asked why I doubted…why I lacked faith. Well, I didn’t…I just started to sink and cried for help. Then I realized that I’d noticed the waves. I’d tried to make sense of what was happening…of where I was walking. But Jesus said that it’s not about facts when you’re with Him. It doesn’t matter that water doesn’t normally hold people up. With Jesus, it does. It doesn’t matter that we’re not making as much money as we did before. With Jesus it covers our expenses and more than it ever did before! It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand. It’s about having faith that with Jesus it IS possible.

Because it is, isn’t it?

Me...

2009-01-30T12:02:00.009-06:00

Have you ever just felt like being silly?

Please try it.

It's alot of fun.

And if possible, take pictures of yourself trying to be silly.

Because it really is so much fun.

It really shows another side of yourself.

This is me!

My latest project...

2009-01-29T12:05:00.007-06:00

So, I've always wanted a glider to rock my children in. So last summer, Nathan found one at a friend's garage sale and they only wanted $10 for it! It was pretty squeaky and the screws were loose/missing...and it was ugly. Behold, a closeup of the original fabric...

But it was a glider for $10!

We got it home and the first thing I did was buy new fabric and padding for it.

Then, I took off the old fabric to use as a pattern. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately (because it's funny), I decided to iron out the old one so it would be easier to cut around. Oops.

Apparently that particular fabric melts upon contact with a hot iron.

Well, I got that cleaned up and continued. I had the chair done by the end of summer, but I needed a heavy duty stapler for the footrest, so I put it off. Finally, earlier this week, I bought some furniture nails from work and got to work on the footrest, using nails instead of staples. And voila!

Can't wait for the day I get to use it!

SO funny...!

2009-01-27T12:04:00.002-06:00

Isn’t it funny how, in winter, people walk like stickmen? Limbs, which were once agile and flexible, are now rigid with the cold. Arms that used to wave at friends on the street are now like inflexible icicles, stiff at their sides. Legs like robots, not bending at the knees like normal human legs do. Oh, so comical to watch these people of the north.

I’m one of them. I admit it. I walk with such speed and intensity and rigidity in winter. The smallest amount of time required outside, the better! My shoulders get so tense some days. And after a particularly cold snap…can I call it a “snap”? It’s usually more of a cold season…a cold spell…a cold war, in my books. I bundle up as best I can, as does everyone else. But brr…it’s just…frigid!

Yesterday, as I was walking our dog, I noticed a person on a bicycle. I would say “man” or “woman” or “boy” or “girl” (on a bicycle) but they were so bundled up that it was impossible to tell gender or age. Once I could see the eyes of this mysterious person, I could tell instantly that it was someone I knew from church (a young-ish man, for those who must know). I smiled and greeted him as one greets someone you recognize, and only when the bicyclist was behind me did I realize that, to him, I was probably just a small, friendly pile of winter clothes. I happened to recognize his eyes, but only because I’m of the female persuasion who notices these things. He, most likely, had no idea who I was. I laughed a bit, and shrugged it off (as well as my chilled, stiff shoulders could) and continued my walk.

What a different world Canadian winters are. Everything is transformed. People become robots. Friends become a set of mysterious eyes. And the great outdoors? Well, it becomes something of a marshmallow world (made for sweethearts)…take a walk with your favorite girl/guy…but I warn you, I will probably laugh.

Reminiscent...

2009-01-23T09:55:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I like to reminisce. Well, actually I am ALWAYS up for some reminiscing. So this is what I wrote on January 24, 2007. I still have those days when I just can't warm up. Some things have changed since this post, but that hasn't. I just thought I'd reminisce back to this night when I just snuggled up and had a great evening with myself...and God.

January 24, 2007

Do you ever have those days when you're just chilled all day and no matter how many clothes you put on or how long you run your hands under hot water, you just can't warm up? That's me today. Burr!!! It's supposed to warm up on Friday thought, so here's hoping!!!

ANYWAY, tonight the youth went snowboarding and I stayed home alone to have some much needed alone time. There's just something comfortable about a night when you can curl up in a fuzzy blanket and light some candles and make some tea and either pour your heart out to God or get lost in a good book or journal to your heart's content. Well, I don't plan on the fuzzy blanket (maybe a warm bath!) or the candles, or the tea, but I AM really looking forward to pouring my heart out to God AND getting lost in a good book AND journaling to my heart's content. Mmm...what a cozy evening it shall be. I'm quite looking forward to this.

Tonight will be a different evening. Nathan has been saying that he can't remember the last date we had (and I can't either, come to think of it). With all that's been going on in the past 6 months, we haven't taken the time to date. So, tonight, with some "date money" that we have had saved away forever, I'm going to take Nathan to the city and treat him to the burger he's been craving (but not fast-food style) and a movie. Now let's see if I remember how to do this...date, I mean.

More Assignments Completed...

2009-01-19T12:02:00.014-06:00

“Do a photo profile of winter life in Manitoba…how do you people survive?!”

Well, I wonder this every winter myself. How do we survive?! Well, I have a few pictures to help me explain this phenomenon that we call life (in winter-y Manitoba).

Here in Manitoba, we have electric cars. We plug them in and all winter long we can run without gas! Nah, just kidding. They’re called block heaters.

We also have windows…they enable us to see the beauty of winter, without having to venture outside. Also notice the cushy chair in front of the window. This is for watching the snowfall and staying inside where it’s warm.

Ther-mo-stat. This is another integral part of a Canadian/prairie winter. Just crank ‘er on up, and she’s good to go! I don’t know what I would do without the furnace!

Hmm…what else? Aah, yes. When the dog needs a walk and it’s -50 below, no amount of block heaters, windows, cushy chairs, or furnaces will make that walk any less cold. After my walk today, I laid out my clothing, layer by layer, on the kitchen floor so that I could show you what it takes to survive here in Manitoba.

I’ll start at the bottom and work my way up. First, we have some nice thermal boots. They keep moisture out and heat in. Inside those boots, nice warm socks. Today there was only one pair, but many days I wear two or three pairs for my walks. Then we have the ski-pants. On this particular day, I wore two pairs…first mine, which sport the full shoulder straps and bib, then my husband’s on top of that. (The extra layer of pants helps keep that wind-chill out.) Above the ski-pants, I have my trusty winter jacket. I don’t go anywhere without it these days…except maybe to start the car (and back it out of the garage without closing the driver’s side door – oops!) or take out the garbage. Then there is a neck-warmer and scarf. Just one allows all the cold wind right through. (Also, if you double up, you can cover your face with one and your neck with the other when it gets really bad.) A toque up top, covered with the hood of my jacket, and I’m good to go! Oh, and mittens. I wear a pair of mini-mitts for fiddling with the leash or whatever else, and then a pair of wool-lined, leather mittens. And that about does it! That is how I stay warm in winter!

Geometry Assignment...shapes!
Circle...

Circle, rectangle, triangle...

Rectangle...

Triangle(s)...

A ball formed of triangles...

And one more self-portrait!

I am woman, see my purse...

2009-01-16T12:03:00.004-06:00

Oh, the handbag. Where did they come from? And why do women never leave the house without them? I’ve done extensive research, and hope to answer some of these age-old questions. Ok, well maybe not extensive, but hopefully enough to satisfy some curiosity (or at least Marsha’s).

Handbags. Purses. Whatever you call them, women have them. The earliest written records mentioning handbags date back to the 14^th century, though it is interesting to note that Egyptian hieroglyphs show a much earlier model of the famous (or infamous?) 1990’s fanny pouch. In the beginning of handbag history, bags were a sign of wealth more than an effort to be practical. I note that not much has changed…

These bags continued to evolve and, by the 16^th century they began to be seen as a more practical piece of the wardrobe, as travelers would use large cloth bags worn diagonally across the body to carry supplies for their journey. By the 17^th century, both fashionable men and women were using them. They began to appear in smaller, more interesting shapes and with intricate stitched artwork on them.

By the 18^th century, women were starting to wear less “under-clothing” (due to neo-classical clothing) and wearing a purse would ruin the look of their clothing. This is when women started to have a different bag for every occasion and fashion magazines all argued about the proper way to carry these bags.

In the early 1900’s, handbags were beginning to be designed (by jewelers) to carry opera glasses, fans, and cosmetics. In the 1920’s, bags no longer needed to match the outfit perfectly. In the 1940’s, because of the war and a shortage of products such as zippers, leather, and mirrors, manufacturers used supplies such as plastic and wood to make purses. With the end of the war, “important” designer houses (Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Hermes) began to grow.

Now, there is an endless variety of purses as well as infinite uses for them. You can spend hundreds of dollars for brand name designs, or save your cash and buy a cheap knock-off. Some women use them for carrying the strictly practical things of life. Others wouldn’t want to ruin their designer leather with a sweating water bottle, leaky hand lotion, and a Swiss Army knife. But whatever your tastes, there is guaranteed to be a purse out there to suit you!

Self-Portrait #3

2009-01-14T11:50:00.002-06:00

Haha! Winking is NEVER as good in a picture as it is in real life! Oh well...when you take a self-portrait every day, they can't all be good!

So, have I mentioned that I can't wait for winter to be over? I'm done with this -50 degrees stuff. What were the prairie settlers thinking?! Oh, that's right...free land. Gotcha. (grr...)

Self-Portrait #2

2009-01-13T10:23:00.005-06:00

This is me, being much more contemplative than yesterday. No anger here!

I've realized lately that I haven't written much of substance here on my blog for a while. Perhaps there is not much (of substance) happening in my life right now? While that may be, there should always be something to write about, and, therefore, something of even miniscule substance happening.

As you all know, it is January. For Nathan and I this year, January means that we are over halfway through our time of "healing and restoration" with the church (my self-appointed "sabatical"). The first half, for us, was very focused on healing and re-energizing. We tried to lay low and pour all of our energy into healing and seeking God. There were many tears, especially at first, but we grew to appreciate this time very quickly. We see it as a wonderful privilege to have God break us so tremendously. It hurts in many ways, but to know that God loves us (and you) too much to let us live where we were living is unbelievable. We've also been incredibly blessed by the church, who has walked along side us, prayed for us, and were willing to fascilitate counselling and support for us. Thank you!

Now that it is January, we have headed into sort of the "second phase" of our journey. This is another time of listening to God. It is our decision-making time. If you think of us, you can pray for us this month and the next. And you can pray for our church, as they also have decisions to make regarding our situation. At this point, we are not sure if we will be invited to resume our position as youth pastor couple. But, by March 1, we hope to know what the next step is. I am excited for these next couple months. I don't find the unknown (beyond March 1) scary nor dark. It is bright and full of hope. Whatever God's leading, I am confident that it will be just that. God's leading.

We have been praying for God to reveal His will for our lives for as long as we've known Him (both as singles and now that we're married). We know that nothing will change as we continue to pray and seek Him regarding our future, whether it be youth pastoring here or not. We are confident that we are called to some form of full time ministry. That calling hasn't changed. If anything, we are more sure than ever of this call on our lives.

2 Corinthians 3:17

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

Self-Portrait #1

2009-01-12T11:15:00.004-06:00

So, here's my start on your assignments for me. A few of them are in progress, but I thought I'd give you a taste of what's brewing...I don't guarantee a self-portrait nearly every day, but a few of you suggested self-portraits, so I'll try for a good set of 10 or 12. Here's #1!

(I snapped one shot quickly before work so I'd have something to post...this is what I got. I was trying to look contemplative...I ended up looking angry...haha...I'll have to work on those facial expressions...)

You'll laugh about it one day...

2009-01-09T11:18:00.007-06:00

Has anyone ever said that to you? No? Let me give you some insight to this particular saying...

It is usually said to you when something has gone wrong. Something has just happened that you want to erase. Sometimes it's embarassing. Sometimes it's hurtful. Usually laughing is the furthest thing from your mind when you hear it.

After a few tears and a bit of shock at my own carelessness (*see below), I said, "You'll laugh about it one day" to myself...

I had an "oops" and, once it's paid for and looking pretty again, I'm sure I'll be able to laugh about it. But for now...well...see for yourself... Can anyone guess what happened???

*I've been quite forgetful and out of my usual, "mindful" state of being (on and off) since we've started trying to get pregnant...isn't that supposed to happen after you conceive?

Calling all blog-stalkers...!

2009-01-06T13:24:00.003-06:00

I'm looking for creative (or just random and not terribly creative)ideas of things to write about or photograph.

Do you have an assignment for me?

Is there something that you would like to see me try to take a picture of?

I'm looking for ideas, both old and new, to add some spice to my blogs!

I'm not one for new years resolutions...

2009-01-05T11:09:00.002-06:00

...but I've decided to read through the entire Bible this year!

If anyone wants to do the same thing, it's not too late to catch up the last few days! I'm using the One Year Bible Online reading plan. In the course of this year, it will take me through the Old and New Testaments and through Psalms and Proverbs a couple times each. Each day, you read from each of these places (OT, NT, Ps., Pr.).

In 2007-08, I read through the Bible, starting in Genesis and finishing in Revelation. I got alot more out of the Old Testament than I ever had before, but, overall, 2007 was a pretty dry year because I made the mistake of doing 98% of my Bible reading from the Old Testament. The Old Testament is important, yes, and should be read and studied and known. But the New Testament is the water to go with the bread. If all you eat is bread, your throat will get really dry and you will find that you become dehydrated. But if all you drink is water, and have no food, you will become weak and malnourished. (I realize that this is a weak analogy but, on a very surface level, it works.)

So that's one of my new years thoughts...

Other new year thoughts?
In a very random order...

Y2K was 9 years ago already...nine years since Uncle Dennis snuck out of the house and found the main breaker...all the lights went out near midnight, but soon everyone was wondering where Dennis was...I missed the countdown that year...but I'm not bitter...
What will 2009 hold? Does anyone else wonder this every January?
Last year or the year before, I decided that I would try to read either one book a month, or one book a week for a year, I don't remember which...either way, it didn't last beyond February.
When I was in high school, my friends and I had a new years resolution box...each year we would write two or three resolutions on pieces of paper and put them in the box. Then, we would tape the box up with packing tape and open it again the next year and read our old resolutions. It was usually good for a laugh...oh, the resolutions of children...
And everyone can guess the two big questions that are on my mind for this year! What? Can't guess? Well, I suppose you'll have to come talk to me to find out...(don't worry, they're not all that new or exciting!)

Well, that's all for my very random New Year's post.

P.S.- Check out my other blog... mccorkindale.blogspot.com ...for some recent pics I took!

Umm...

2009-01-02T11:28:00.008-06:00

This is what happens when I read decorating magazines...

This is the only picture I could find of our living room before...

-behind Nathan is the couch
-in front of him is the window
-on the far side of him is a chair and a bookshelf
- tv is on our left of the chair
-another bookshelf to our right of (90 degree angle to) the visible bookshelf
-piano is closest to us, beside the couch
(don't mind the dusty floor...)

I worked all morning...a digital camera can do amazing things for room makeovers...you can try one thing and then another and see which you like best. Looking at a picture helps you look at your room objectively and more easily determine what works and what doesn't.

And this is our living room now. My main goal was to get all of our books onto bookshelves. They're all there now, and alphabetized by author as well!

How do you like it? Any suggestions?

Hannah's Hope (now that I've read it)

2008-12-28T10:48:00.005-06:00

Hannah's Hope - Jennifer Saake

I intended to read Hannah's Hope very slowly, reflecting on each point made and each idea discussed. I was going to make it stretch through my Christmas travels so that I would have something to read while relaxing. So, apparently starting the book on the 15th of December was a mistake. I finished on the 16th.

This book reflects on the story of Hannah and Elkanah (1 Samuel 1). In the story, Hannah longs for a child, but her womb is barren. Her husband, Elkanah, takes another wife in order to have children. One year, while at the house of the Lord, Hannah cries out to God and vows that if He gives her a child, she will give him back to the Lord for the rest of the days of the child's life. She later conceives and gives birth to a son, Samuel, who, upon weaning, she dedicates to the house of the Lord, as promised.

The first few chapters of the book were hard to read and yet also very good. The author, who has struggled with infertility and miscarriage, writes about the feelings and thoughts that go along with these struggles. She writes about how Hannah would have been feeling, and in this, relates to women everywhere who struggle with infertility/miscarriage/still birth. I could completely relate to everything she was writing and was blessed to have my experiences validated. What I'm feeling is real. What I'm feeling is normal. I'm not blowing this out of proportion. I don't have to pretend that this isn't affecting me anymore. This is what I'm feeling and I can be justified in feeling this way.

Throughout the book, Saake continually refers back to Hannah's story. She talks about having a mother's heart. She talks about the deep longing for children. She talks about what Elkanah (the husband) would have likely been feeling. And she talks about being a mother without living children. This book broke my heart (or rather, put words to my already wounded heart) and yet encouraged me so much.

I recommend this book to anyone struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or still birth. I equally recommend this book to anyone who knows anyone struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or still birth. It is written both for those struggling, and as an aid for those who have never been there to help those who have. (Each chapter ends with a "Burden Bearers" section written from the perspective of the hurting to those who are trying to help giving suggestions of things to avoid and areas in which to be extra-sensitive.)

P.S.- CONGRATULATIONS, JILL!!! Engaged! So very very exciting! When's the big day?

It's beginning to feel alot like Christmas...

2008-12-22T10:31:00.003-06:00

Christmas kinda snuck up on me this year. Most years I think this, but I'm convinced that this year, more than other years, I am surprised at how suddenly Christmas seems to be upon me. Oh well, I'm glad it's come fast. It's just been a less painful wait for our trip to Sk!

I haven't been too busy lately. I try to never stress out around Christmas...so what if I don't bake 13 different types of treats and who cares if I don't get any more decorations up than just the tree...Christmas will still happen if I don't send out Christmas letters/cards (and most people won't even notice). So why worry about it?

Nathan and I are gearing up for our trip to Saskatchewan. We leave home tomorrow afternoon and fly out tomorrow evening. You all can pray that there aren't any major delays! I know that I'll be taking along alot of books, though, so that if we are stuck in the airport for a while, I'm not bored out of my mind!

Well, there's not much to write...maybe there'll be more to report (about gifts and family and all things wonderful) after Christmas, but for now, Merry Christmas! Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas season!

(you can consider this picture my Christmas card to you...I didn't get on top of letter-writing this year)

What are you waiting for?

2008-12-17T11:23:00.004-06:00

Is there something in your life that requires you to wait? (a long, painful, confused wait?) At some point in everyone’s life, there will be a time of waiting. It could be the longing for a spouse…someone to share your life with. It could be waiting for a relationship to be restored. It could be that you’re going through some sort of suffering…waiting for your reward in heaven. It could be a wait for a child. Whatever your wait, know that God has not abandoned you. He’s right there. Sit very still...close your eyes…can you feel Him?

This poem struck me when I read it last night. It was almost as if I could have written it myself. It's called, "Wait."

..................................Wait..................................

2008-12-17T11:17:00.004-06:00

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.

I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

“My future, and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me ‘wait’?

I’m needing a ‘yes,’ a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no,’ to which I can resign.

“And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking: I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut

And grumbled to God; “So I’m waiting, for what?”

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,

Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

“All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust, just by knowing I’m there.

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me,

When darkness and silence was all you could see.

“You would never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

“The glow of My comfort late in the night;

The faith that I give when you walk without sight;

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

“And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’

Yes, your dreams for that loved one o’ernight could come true,

But the loss! If you lost what I’m doing in you.

“So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all…is still…wait.”

- Russell Kelfer

Perks of living in a senior's town...

2008-12-16T14:44:00.007-06:00

the only available apartments in town are in a seniors complex and are wheelchair accessable (this is a good thing as each room is HUGE!)

you get to slow down and smell the roses...whether you choose to or not

seeing all the old men emerge from their laziboys in spring to go for a walk and get the mail

the group of men having "coffee" just inside the mall doors on the bench...no coffee to be seen, but alot of people-watching!

the pleasure of so much green faux fur on jackets this time of year

getting cultured by overhearing conversations in foreign languages throughout the day

stories about the "good ol' days"...everyday

you don't lose tradition (no matter how hard you try)

lots of smiling, appreciative faces

lovely smells of homecooked food in the streets

flowers, flowers, everywhere

old gentlemen (their cuteness/funniness/gentleman-ness)

daily reminders of what's truly important in life (and believe it or not, it's not 50" flatscreens)

plowed streets and sidewalks and sanded streets the morning after a fresh snow

seeing people older than 50 holding hands...enough said.

My Husband...

2008-12-15T11:37:00.007-06:00

For those of you who have never met my husband, this is Nathan.

Nathan is
amazing. He
believes in me. He is SO
considerate and caring. I can completely
depend on him. He is
eager to please me. He is my
faithful companion, my
greatest fan. He is
honest with me and I can be honest with him. What an
incredible guy. We can
joke around together. We can eat
Kraft dinner together (he gets all my cheese). We
laugh together often. Nathan
melts my heart over and over again. It feels completely
natural to be his wife. In fact, you could say that I'm
overjoyed to be called his. He is
patient. He is
quite willing to help. He is
responsible. He is
so, so sweet (like when he pampers me and does special things for me). Is he
too good to be true??? Nathan, you are
ultimately the
very best for me, and I
wouldn't trade you for anything. You're
xtra special to me and I love
you! I have no regrets about marrying you.
Zip, zero, zilch.

(And he will say that I shouldn't have written this about him...but I don't care.
Deep down he'll love it.)

O for Grace to Trust Him More...

2008-12-11T13:36:00.005-06:00

I just want to start by saying a huge THANK YOU to “H” who’s blessing (unexpected Amazon gift certificate) came to fruition today. I received in the mail, from Amazon, the book “Hannah’s Hope” by Jennifer Saake. I don't know much about the book except that it’s supposed to be really good. I look forward to reading it and perhaps I’ll eventually let you all know what I think about it! Thanks again, H, you’ve blessed me greatly!

As I was listening to God this morning during my devos, a song came to my head. I took that as God speaking, because it spoke directly to what I was thinking and asking God about.

They that wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength

They will mount up with wings as eagles

They will run and not grow weary

They will walk and not faint

Teach me Lord, teach me Lord, to wait

I couldn’t remember the second verse to it, and when I went online to find it, I couldn’t find it anywhere! This has led me to believe that the church I attended most of my life has a very good song-writer in their congregation…on numerous occasions I have tried to find lyrics to supposed second verses only to find that only one verse exists. Hmm…it’s a mystery. Here’s what I remember of the second verse...if anyone knows more of the words (dad?) could you please let me know? It’s driving me crazy!

(second verse)

Teach me, Lord, to wait

Down on my knees

Teach me not to rely… … ..

... ... ...

but to wait in prayer for an answer from You.

Before I checked for the words online, I thought it might, just maybe, be a hymn. So I checked the hymnal. As I was looking for “They that wait…” (which wasn’t there, obviously) I found three or four hymns - right where that song would have been - about trusting Jesus. Interesting, no? Needless to say, I checked them out.

Side-note: I’ve always loved hymns. No, I haven’t always understood them (though this understanding and appreciation grew a lot throughout high school) and yes, I agree that some can be a drag to sing…and yes, the theology behind some can be questionable…BUT despite those things, there have certainly been hymns that have spoken to me as much as (and occasionally more than) a lot of current worship songs. I think those churches who drop hymns all together are losing something wonderful… something that shouldn’t be overdone, and shouldn't be done so poorly that 98% of the congregation gags at the thought of them, but nevertheless wonderful.

Anyway, enough of my hymn rant. I just thought I’d share some of the words to one of the hymns that I found this morning. Such a good reminder to trust...

‘Tis So Sweet to Trust In Jesus

‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to take Him at His Word;

Just to rest upon His promise,

Just to know, “Thus saith the Lord.”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him;
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

O for grace to trust Him more.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,

Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;

And I know that Thou art with me,

Wilt be with me to the end.

O for grace to trust Him more.

This is a picture I took this morning...

2008-12-09T09:53:00.001-06:00

Winter is definitely here...there is beauty surrounding me. I love the look of winter, but so many years in a cold winter climate means that this beauty around me is slightly marred with the knowledge of the frigid temperatures that come with it. Oh well...at least I have the blessing of being able to enjoy the beauty with my camera from inside my warm house! Mmm...blankets...furnaces...heat...

A bit of an update...no more of this silliness...

2008-12-05T11:55:00.002-06:00

Every once in a while, I need a bit of a break from blogging. That's when I end up writing about people in banks, and being uninspired. It's because I'm just that...uninspired. Well, uninspired, or just not knowing how to put into words what's happening in life. Or feeling like there IS nothing happening in life! But for whichever reason I choose, it's time for a bit of an update, so behold...an update:

I am just coming out from under a cold. First cold of the season for me. It's not completely gone yet, but for the first time in about a week, I can breathe out of both my nostrils and haven't blown my nose in the past hour. Doing good. I've really felt like I'm under water for a while...everything echoes in my head and my nose keeps dripping, yet never drips enough to be unplugged. Ick. Anyway, I'm feeling better today, so moving on...

Last night, Nathan and I had the opportunity (or privilege) to visit some friends of ours in Rosenort. M & A were just married in September (on my birthday!). They invited us over for supper and an evening of playing Wii and catching up. This was a great evening and very extra special, because A was our first (former) youth to get married. It's amazing to see her being a family with her husband and them making their own home. They've done so well, and I am excited to see where life takes them.

For us, lately, life has not been much of anything. Nathan will finish his third full week at Loewen's today. He's basically counting down the weeks and lives for the weekends. I find that it's already taking a toll on me too. I find that, even though we have basically every evening together, I still don't see enough of him. I may be the only one out there but 4-5 hours a day with the man I love just isn't enough! It seems all we do these days is work, have supper, clean up from supper, do nothing for two hours (because we're both tired) and then Nathan makes his lunch, I shower, and we go to bed. I don't know how some married couples keep it together only seeing each other for an hour or two a day! I guess that's why so many marriages end in divorce these days. Couples are set up to break. Work takes so much of both the husband and wife's time and energy that, once they get home, they just crash and turn off their minds. Marriage takes work, and even more so when time together isn't built into our everyday lives. I'm wondering if there is something to be said for one person in a couple working less hours a day outside the home than the other so that they can put more time and energy into making the home. I guess we could call this idea "homemaking". Such a traditional word, but I'm realizing just how blessed I am to have a job where I can leave work early or put in shorter hours in order to keep our home "made."

Christmas is coming soon. We're getting very excited about that. We still have a bit of shopping to do, but nothing major. We're not home enough for it to be worth alot of Christmas baking, but the house is decorated, and I'm enjoying the glow of the Christmas tree every evening! I guess Christmas letters should be written very soon...otherwise I'll be sending out new years letters yet again. I try not to stress too much this time of year though. That's not what Christmas is for, so why worry about it? For me, Christmas is about celebrating our Saviour's birth with friends and family. Decorations, baking, letters, gifts and everything else is nice, but if it's going to make the celebration aspect less, it's not worth it.

So there you have it. A quick update from the McCorkindales. There's not much going on, but at least now you all know that for yourselves!

Hope you're all enjoying the weeks leading up to Christmas! God bless!

Tiny bubbles... (in the wine...)

2008-12-02T10:57:00.006-06:00

You cannot stand too close to someone in line at the bank. It is just something you should not do. For me, it is on the same level as standing too close to an outhouse that is in use or reading the newspaper over someone's shoulder on the bus (with arm contact and all).

I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I guess there's just something about the hot breath, of someone I don't know, on the back of my neck that makes me uncomfortable. Or maybe it's the pressure of having to stand perfectly still because, if I would take a step back, I might actually touch the alleged crowder.

I guess some people just have smaller bubbles than I do (and I don't think mine is exceptionally large). It's possible that people assume, given my vertically-challenged situation, that my bubble is proportionately smaller than others'. That would be logical, I suppose, if I had a vertical bubble. Horizontally, however, I like as much space as anyone else of average height.

So why do some people feel the need to crowd other people's bubbles? The only thing I could come up with is maybe they're not born with a bubble? Or maybe they were born with their own bubble a little deflated, and don't understand when other people keep backing away. Whatever the reason, so be it. There are things much worse than this.

In conclusion: Two or three feet is nice. One foot is pushing it, and 6 inches, like at the bank this morning, is me getting close to going "kung-fu panda" on you...or more likely just taking a step back.

Hope you all have a good, uncrowded day.

p.s-the lovely artwork adorning the top of my post was designed and created by yours truly. (Now you know why I usually use a camera for my art)

completely UNinspired

2008-11-28T10:53:00.004-06:00

I've started typing a couple things in this vast, blank screen before me.
Behold, a record of what's transpired...for your viewing pleasure:

I type.
I erase.
I think.
I go.
I work.
I come back.
I type.
I think.
I type.
I think.
I erase.
I come to the conclusion that I am not having a very creative day when it comes to words.

If I had my way today, I would be in bed without this terrible pressure of having to entertain people with words. I wouldn't have to talk to people and stress about coming up with witty and "quick" things to say. I wouldn't have to type and fill up this blank space with letters. I wouldn't have to do anything. But if I don't, I'm antisocial. I'm not giving an effort. Arg. Who's fault is effort, anyway?

Maybe I'll have to go back to bed and start my day over again. Oh wait. I did that once already this morning. Is there a rule regarding how many times you are allowed to start your day over again? Can you try only once again, if your first stab at the day doesn't work out? Or are you allowed two additional tries? And what about the timing of your restarts? Are there any rules for that? Like maybe you can restart as many times as you want before 9 am, but after 9 you're fully engaged in your day and there's no restarts allowed? Hmm...I will have to give this some thought.

But anyway, back to being uninspired. Yeah. I am. (uninspired, that is) And not only am I uninspired, I am completely uninspired! I have absolutely no ideas for what to write! Sure, there are things I could write about...I'm sure there are...they are all escaping my mind right now...but there have to be things I could write about. But why? Even if I did think about something to write, why would I write about it? Likely it would be for the sake of entertaining people. But isn't that exactly what I am trying to avoid in this day of expired restarts? Entertainment? *sigh*

What do you do when you are lacking inspiration?

Any insights on re-starts?

Just want to let me know that you're reading?

(yes, this is a little, uninspired, shame-less plug for comments...I'm getting lonely here in blogger-world...)

Hannah's prayer

2008-11-24T14:06:00.006-06:00

"Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant's misery and remember me and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life..."
- Hannah (1 Samuel 1:11)

I was looking through my old journals yesterday, thinking it would be fun to find something that I wrote on November 24 of a previous year and see what I was dealing with then. I found one journal entry written when I was in grade 12. I had just sat down with my parents and talked to them about different options for my future...Bethany was not even on my radar at that point! The very next year, I was writing about whether or not I should get to know Nathan better. I wrote that he could be the ONE but that, since I wrote it, it probably wouldn't happen. The next year I was adjusting to a new town and to life as an "adult" (I was hating the adult world with a passion at that point!). And two years later, I had written this verse from 1 Samuel.

After I read it and reread it, I copied the verse down and put it in my purse. This was my prayer for the day. I, then, proceeded to open my Bible and before me was story after story of infertile women who cried out to God and had their wombs opened and were able to conceive. God was very involved in family lines and in blessing women through childbirth and I believe that he still is today. He opened the wombs of Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah...and many, many more. I KNOW...and I have more peace about this now than I've had in the last two years...that I will have children one day. Nathan and I WILL be parents one day. God will bless us with a family of our own.

I have found that, over the last few months, I have put up a wall around part of my heart. In the past (my entire life actually) I have fallen in love with children as soon as I meet them. My heart melts at the soft innocence of babies and children and I just can't wait until I see the product of my own flesh and blood. In the past two-ish years, whenever I have held babies or interacted with children, I have left feeling such a void in my heart, knowing that these children that I love so much are not mine. I go home to a husband and a dog and a wonderful, beautiful home, but a home, nonetheless, without children. These countless empty days, and month after month of negative pregnancy tests, have bruised me and broken my heart time and again.

I find now that, when I see children, the deep connection and love that I feel for them isn't there to the same degree. At first this worried me...am I losing my desire for motherhood? Is God taking this desire away from me? But yesterday I realized, as I became completely honest with myself and with God, that my desire for motherhood is still there, alive and well. I still have the capacity to love, but I have been hurt. I have put up a wall around that tender part of my heart in an effort to protect that which has been hurt.

I talked with Nathan about this yesterday and he suggested it was a good, healthy wall. Sometimes we need walls of protection. Sometimes it is a good thing to guard our hearts from pain, as long as we are able and willing to take that wall down once the time is right. When I hold my firstborn in my arms, and feel Nathan's presence beside me, I know that my wall will come crashing down and the love and joy that I will feel in that moment will be unlike any other I have ever experienced. And it will be SO good.

Christmas in December!

2008-11-21T10:12:00.005-06:00

WE'RE GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

I am SO excited! Upon hearing that we wouldn't be able to make it home during Christmas for yet another year, our parents got together and made it possible for us to sneak away for a couple days to be with them during the holidays! They are going to FLY us out to Saskatchewan and lend us their car (I think) to drive to H.B for a couple days! We'll get to be with both families with MUCH less driving! I can hardly believe that we'll actually get home for Christmas this year!

I'll end with a quote from my wonderful sister:

"HOOOOORAAAAAY!!!!!!"

Object of Your Passion...

2008-11-20T11:43:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I go through periods of time when I feel as though I’m living in the palm of God’s protective hand. I experience intense joy and peace and intimacy with God. And then, even though I don’t feel like anything changes in my life, it suddenly gets harder. It gets harder to hear God’s voice and feel His touch. It seems to take more effort to draw near to Him. What I did last week to draw close to Him is not necessarily what will effectively draw me close to Him this week. I never doubt his love or presence or care, but I just wonder…is it because I get into a groove and relax a bit in my seeking Him?

When I think about Nathan and myself, I guess it works the same way. We’ll be full of passion for a while and life will be full of intimacy and excitement and joy. Then, the next thing we know we’re back to routine. Life isn’t bad… it just takes a bit more – something a bit different - to renew that passion again. Is that a healthy thing? Perhaps. I’ve heard that you can’t live life on a high all the time. I guess there are naturally cycles of passion and routine, and as long as you are 100% true to and in love with the object of your passion even on routine days, it’s ok. In fact, it is good.

God wants to be there on routine days as well as on exceptionally good or exceptionally bad days. He just wants to be a part of our lives every day.

These were my thoughts this morning…

I don't do snow...or early mornings...

2008-11-18T11:48:00.002-06:00

As the title states...

I don't do snow.

And I don't do early mornings.

Thanks to my life in Canada as a working woman, I manage to make it through both.

And I survive.

Barely.

Just barely...

Where do you "belong"?

2008-11-17T11:44:00.003-06:00

This past week, I read the book The Search to Belong by Joseph R. Myers. It's provoked alot of thought for me. The book talks about the different spaces in which we belong. These spaces are labelled, in the book, as public, social, personal, and intimate.

Have you ever noticed that there are certain places where you just don't feel that you belong? Perhaps it's a new town where everyone else knows each other and you are left feeling like an outsider. Maybe it's Costco where everyone else is a member, and you simply have a day pass. It could be a new job. Maybe even church? Does anyone feel that they just don't belong at church on Sunday...that they're just a visitor even though they've been attending for years? Or maybe you feel that you don't belong in your cell/small group, even though the group is designed for belonging and feeling as though you have somewhere to share the stuff of your life? Think of a few of these "awkward" places in your life, as significant or insignificant as they may be. Write them down. Now take a moment to ask yourself, "what is it that gives me the feeling that I don't quite belong?"

Why is it that we don't feel that we belong in certain places and yet feel so "at home" in others?

What places do you feel like you DO belong? Having coffee with a certain friend? Shopping at a certain store where you know the employees? Visiting your parents for the weekend? What places put you at ease? Now write these places down. Take a minute to think of what it is that makes you feel like you belong in these places.

As I look around my own life, and become honest with myself about where I feel that I do and do not belong, I am surprised at some of the places where I feel belonging and at some of the places where I do not. It is an interesting exercise to try. Once you have some ideas about places of belonging and what makes them places of belonging, it is easier to create places where others feel that they belong. It makes you watch what you say in an effort to include everyone you intend to include or to put up a boundary where it is appropriate (or even necessary).

I would love to hear some of the places you feel that you do and do not feel belonging and what you've come up with regarding "why?". Either leave a comment, or send me an email (dollface213@hotmail.com) or facebook message. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the topic.

Thoughts...from Second Street...

2008-11-13T13:08:00.004-06:00

I struggle to put into words what I am feeling today. Sometimes those days/weeks hit. I am definitely feeling something, but how, exactly, do I put words to those feelings? I've heard the expression that women are like spaghetti (while men are like waffles) in that our emotions are all intertwined with every area of our life. There are no neat compartments (like waffles). The emotion from home gets mixed with work and work gets mixed with leisure and...you get the picture.

I'm feeling like a big bowl of steaming spaghetti today.

And when I feel like spaghetti (though I don't normally use this illustration in my head), I tend to make lists. Lists of things to do. Lists of Christmas requests (it is coming, Mom & Dad). And lists of my thoughts and feelings. I guess it is a futile effort to see life as something other than chaotic. A list tends to put in order that which was not, previously, in any specific order. So in an effort to share with you, I fear that I have no choice than to make a list. Neat sentences and paragraphs are not working for me these days.

Behold, my list:

energized and happy lately
unseen, unknown "thing" bugging me since yesterday
finding out about pregnancies in 2's and 3's instead of one at a time...not sure it's any easier that way (Please understand, if you are one of those pregnant, that I am SO happy for you and am truly rejoicing with you in your pregnancy...really, I love to hear about friends and family who are adding to their families - it is an exciting time! - but this naturally draws my attention to the fact that we are yet without announcement of our own)
not knowing about the future - both exciting and slightly stressful
found out yesterday that we will be spending Christmas #3 in friendly Manitoba...were really counting on being able to go home to see family this year
missing family (see above)
hearing and learning from God lately is great - what a wonderful God we serve!
energy gently draining away as the Christmas break gets wiped off the whiteboard of life for another year
energy returning slightly with knowledge that Nathan has a job...we are being taken care of...
not understanding my role in providing for our family...should I be working full time?
confused
at peace
torn up inside
excited

As I reread my list, I see the distinct contrasts between one thought and the next. That's exactly how I'm feeling today. Thoughts of one nature completely thrill and energize and move me! The next thoughts drain every ounce of energy and make me long for another day like Tuesday (my "Christmas" day this week that I wrote about in my last post). I am excited to see God providing for us and teaching us and guiding us. It is very exciting! It is a wonderful, blessed time in life for us! I am also struggling with getting caught up in today...why we don't have a baby yet and why we can't just do what we want to do because of outside forces in our life.

Life is good.

I am thrilled that God loves to get involved in our lives.

I am feeling peace about our future.

I am living one day at a time (or, at the very least, trying).

I am understanding my need for God like never before.

I am understanding marriage like never before.

I am journaling each morning like crazy!

Life is good.

God is in control.

And I am like spaghetti (and must therefore process accordingly).

Christmas in November

2008-11-12T14:00:00.005-06:00

At one point in our relaxing yesterday, I turned to Nathan and stated: "It feels like Christmas today."

It was a low-key sort of day. One of those uber-rare (just wanted to use the word "uber") days when there is nothing to do except what you want to do. The laundry was caught up. The house couldn't handle any more cleaning. There was nothing we needed to do with the yard or house. There was nowhere we needed to be. And it was beautiful.

I spent the day in sweat pants, comfy BUNNY-HUG, and toque, sitting in my chair by the window and reading. I'm pretty sure that's where I was all day. I pretty much didn't move at all. And Nathan enjoyed a day of playing video games. He bought a new game on Monday and spent a number of hours wandering around the game with compass and map in hand. I'm convinced he really didn't do much more than that...

So yeah, it was a beautiful day. I could't remembered the last time I had absolutely NOTHING to do. There wasn't even laundry or cleaning that I should be doing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading my book, sneaking over to the couch every hour or so for a kiss, and basically just doing nothing.

What does this have to do with Christmas, you ask? Well, without family nearby and not having been able to travel home for the holidays for the past two years, the word Christmas brings to mind this type of day almost as quickly as a day filled with family and food and gifts. It has been somewhat lonely the past couple years, but we know that if we are around home for the holidays, we can count on a day to rest, reflect and enjoy what we enjoy best: being at home doing nothing...together. So yesterday was a sort of Christmas-like day for me. No, there were no presents. No, there was no turkey. No, there weren't even any Christmas decorations up. But it was a day worth celebrating. I was praising God for the day all day long and deliberately not taking any moment of it for granted. It was a day to be. And "be" we did.

(While Christmas alone in MB is lonely, we do love to spend it with each other. We would rather spend Christmas together alone than making plans for the sake of being out doing something because it's Christmas. Make sense?)

Ta-da!!!

2008-11-12T12:37:00.001-06:00

Thanks, Bonnie, for that great link! I had a great time switching my blog up (once I figured out that you need Mozilla to do it!) over and over until I found one that I liked. I'm not sure how long it'll stay, but now that I know where to go...I can switch it up every season if I want! Thanks again!

Facelift

2008-11-07T15:45:00.003-06:00

I'm tired of this same old look...I'm itching for something new.

Any suggestions for where to find a new look for my blog?

Skinny Jeans

2008-11-06T10:14:00.004-06:00

Funny, there weren't many people walking to work this morning. I'm not sure why. It was a beautiful morning. The colors were vibrant. The temperature was warm. Well, maybe not warm, but it wasn't freezing yet... It was refreshing and glorious outside!

What? The rain, you say? The rain is why people weren't walking to work? But it is only a drizzle...a mere fall shower at best. The puddles are not yet past my ankles, at least not in most places. And the rain would have been coming almost straight down if not for the slight wind. But that is what umbrellas are for, no? Umbrellas were designed to keep the head dry, which is really the most important part. Sure, my legs were damp to the knees, but it gives me the impression, as my pants stick to my legs, that I am finally caught up with the fashion. For the first time since 1994, I'm wearing "skinny jeans" and didn't pay a penny extra for them! It gives me a chance to "try out" the style and if I don't like it, or if people smirk, I can just as easily go back to my everyday slight flare and not be any worse off for the experience.

As I walked in the rain, and held myself back from "singing in the rain" as well. I just couldn't help but love this morning. I looked around myself, and saw the vibrant orange of the tractor next door. I saw the bright red of the neighbour's car. The extraordinarily dark wood of the drenched trees against the light mist in the distance was breathtaking. It was an absolutely beautiful walk to work today. On a day when I was tempted to stay in bed a little longer, and stay in the house a couple more hours, I ventured out and was rewarded. God poured out his blessings (literally, poured) and I captured them (all over my, now wet, clothing). I looked and saw. I touched and felt. I didn't taste...but perhaps I should have? There's something about the picture of a small child throwing back their head and tasting the rain or snow that tells me that, in that moment, they're enjoying life to its fullness. The rain or snow that we adults only think of as messy and inconvenient, a child runs and plays in. They are amazed at each individual snowflake and don't think about how they're going to clear it from the driveway. And they taste. They can't just look and feel, that's not enough, they need to tip back their head and taste the goodness. They taste the goodness of God.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good!"

Psalm 34:8(a)

A Fool for God

2008-11-04T11:15:00.004-06:00

I was listening to God this morning before work and I asked Him what he wanted to say to me. He said one thing. Made sense. I wrote it down and kept listening. He said another thing. Ok. Good. Wrote it down. Kept listening. Then, he decided to expand on the second thing. And he didn't just expand with another idea. He expanded by telling me something specific to do. Something that, if I do it, I risk looking like a fool for God. I risk what a certain person thinks about me. I risk my comfort. But in not doing it, I risk the potential of that person being hurt. I tried the usual argument in my mind..."nah, that's just in my mind. That wasn't God." But it wouldn't leave. So then I admitted my fear to God and told him that I didn't know how to do this. He told me almost exactly what to say. How do you say "no" to that? So I agreed. I will follow God today. (it really is a daily choice, isn't it?)

I then went to my Bible and asked God where I should read from...I wanted Him to speak some concrete words (words that I could read with my own eyes) to me. He told me Psalm 19. I started reading it and thought, "yeah, this is nice...but nothing that I couldn't have read in any other Psalm on any other day." And then I turned the page and got to the last verse, verse 14.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be pleasing in your sight,

O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

I read it again. I remembered the tune I heard it sung to years ago. I sang it slowly. I sang it again. And again. I spoke it. I thought it. I read it again. I soaked in it for a few minutes. It has been running through my head all morning. This is my prayer today. That my words and thoughts be pleasing to God, my Rock and my Redeemer.

When the dog bites and the bee stings...

2008-11-03T13:04:00.011-06:00

A Lesson in being Thankful

(these are a few of my favorite things)

Eggo Waffles with milk chocolate chips and white chocolate chips, alternating...worth the extra time in the morning (I put this same picture on my blog about two years ago and haven't eaten this since then, but in my mind, I still love it...)

The Shack - What a great book. If you haven't read it, read it. If you're not a "reader" that's no excuse. Read it anyway. It's worth it.

White Lightning Original - Anyone know what I'm talking about when I say that caulking the bathtub/windows/etc is a messy job? It doesn't help that the stuff isn't water-soluble and terribly sticky! You need to have enough rags on hand to be able to have a clean spot of rag available until the entire job is done and cleaned up! Ick! But wait...a caulk that can be dissolved by water? Yup, you read it right...all you need is water and this amazing stuff is cleaned up and your bathtub looks great again! (gotta put in my little plug since I work at a hardware store)

Bath & Body Works - One word: Smells. Mmm...

Arby's junior roast beef sandwich - this is what Nathan and I treat ourselves to in St. Vital mall when we need a quick meal while shopping. Nathan introduced me to them before we were married, in Regina, when we were on our way home from candidating in our church.

Playing piano. I've started playing more again. I've never played this specific song on piano...but I hear it's a good one.

p.s-I also like brown paper packages, wrapped up with string...just in case you ever needed to know.

God-things

2008-10-31T12:02:00.003-05:00

God has things planned. Or maybe not "planned" because we do have a free will, and when you're working with people with a free will, how much can things be "planned", right? I'll start again...

God has things in mind. He's been speaking to Nathan and to myself in the past month and a half. He's been speaking ideas into our minds. He's been giving us joy and excitement. He's been giving me visions. He's been giving me peace. He's been giving me a new passion. He's been working in our lives like never before (since we've been married). He's been making himself known to us. He's been drawing us closer together and closer to himself. He's been caring for us. He's been leading us. He's been giving us new desires. He's been giving us new dreams. He's been affirming us. He's been teaching us. He's been growing us and stretching us. He's been cleaning us. He's been delighting in us. He's been guiding us. He's been providing for us. He's been comforting us. He's been protecting us. He's been sheilding us.

He's been...God. God with us. God in us. God for us. God.

What is it like?

2008-10-28T11:04:00.005-05:00

Some days I am almost overcome with curiosity about pregnancy. There aren't too many days like that, but some days I just can't keep my mind from touching that hot stove. Kinda like a bug flying into the zapper..."I can't help it...it's just so beautiful...ZAP!" (Bug's Life)

I wonder...

Can you tell that you're pregnant, even before you take the test? Is morning sickness like having the flu, except for a long time, or does it feel different? What do your stomach muscles do when the baby grows and stretches them? Where do they go? And what about your skin? Does it feel like it's going to just split some days near the end? Does nine months go by like a regular nine months in terms of time, or does it fly/drag? What will I look like when I'm pregnant? Will I be extra huge, because I'm extra small now? How long will I be pregnant before I start to show? Will I be like normal people, or will people be able to tell after a week?

And my biggest question of all...the one that brings me to tears...

What does it feel like to have a baby moving inside of you? Will I ever experience that?

Where Nathan works (and two other posts from today...scroll down...)

2008-10-27T13:57:00.010-05:00

For those of you who are interested in seeing what Nathan has been up to this month, I bring you "an hour in the life of Nathan." (captions below the pictures)

This is Nathan not looking at the road because he's either looking at his GPS or the paper on his lap...but it's ok if he goes off the road because he's in a truck.

This is the lady riding shotgun in Nathan's life these days...isn't she a 'beaut? (the big pole thing is a hydrolic sample-taker and the laptop is his GPS to tell him he's on the right field)

Nathan prefers to take the soil samples by hand, like a "real man." (it's faster)

As you can imagine, he feels like a "real man" when he hits a rock just below the surface while putting all his weight onto the sample-taker.

Once he's got his 18 inches of "sample" dirt, he puts the top 6 inches (topsoil) into the very technical Folgers coffee can. The bottom 12 inches (subsoil) goes into the white bucket. Once a field is done, he bags the two buckets separately, marks them, and throws them in a box. Each field requires 14 samples from different points in the field.

And this is what the end of Nathan's shift usually looks like...(and the beginning, for that matter) Alicia, feel free to take this picture for your photo wall...it's a genuine MB sunset taken from a genuine MB field.

Secrets:

2008-10-27T12:23:00.003-05:00

My bold statement of the day: The enemy thrives in darkness and God is light.

I have seen God working out huge things through sharing secrets and struggles (through coming out of darkness) among friends, families, and even strangers. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We are not created to deal with everything alone. We are truly "created for community". (Thanks, Gil.)

So here's my little plug for community. Fellowship is important, and not just the surface fellowship that we get at church on Sunday morning. Deep, soul connections are what Jesus had in mind. Sharpening each other. Encouraging each other. Sharing each others' joys, tears, and life! So share. Step out on a limb and share.

"But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light,

then we have fellowship with each other,

and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin."

1 John 1:7 (NLT)

Scrapbooking...

2008-10-27T12:07:00.003-05:00

What: A Scrapbooking/Craft Weekend!!! This is a great opportunity to be with friends, meet new friends, get unique ideas from friends, and swap the supplies that you don't want for ones you do!

When: Friday, Oct 31 (6-late) and Saturday, Nov 1 (9-4) --you'll have to go home and sleep in your own bed though...there aren't any cots being set up...

Where: EMMC dining hall (basement)

Who: Women of all ages who like to be creative

I am helping plan this and am so excited about it! If anyone wants to come, please let me know by Wednesday (Oct 29) so we can let the caterer know how many to cook for! That's right...$10 for a catered craft retreat! Come on...you know you want to.

p.s-I realize that Friday night is Halloween and that many families do things together that night. If you can only make it for Saturday, that is just fine!

(don't you hate when you have all your spacing just how you want it in the "edit post" stage, and then you publish and everything gets squished together and it just doesn't look as good as you intended? Arg!)

Five stars for not thinking about the future...

2008-10-23T12:09:00.004-05:00

If I had to rate how hard it is to not think about and plan for the future, I'd give it five out of five stars. (see image below)

A couple weeks ago, we were talking to someone, and he challenged Nathan and I to spend these next few months focusing solely on the healing process and not allowing anything to distract us. He was refering to our future plans. He said to just put the thoughts on hold for a few months. We agreed. Only now am I realizing just how hard that really is. Plus, I've found a couple other distractions that I'm trying to put on hold for a while.

Plans. I like to have plans. They make me feel in control. They make me feel put-together. Let's face it, they make me feel just plain powerful. So accepting the challenge to give up making plans for a few months has turned out to be harder than I thought possible. I'll get this idea in my head and, when I would normally run with it and imagine and dream and "plan", I'm forcing myself to write it down, and then put it out of my head. Put up your hand if you've ever done this. It is IMPOSSIBLE!!! I must dream! I must think about what could come! I cannot just sit and think about nothing, especially when in my nothing-ness, I'm trying NOT to think about SOMETHING!

As I'm working through this "not-being-distracted" thing, though, I'm realizing slowly that it may be more about not allowing ourselves to be distracted, rather than about not dreaming about the future. Nathan and I are dreamers. We like to sit and talk and think about what could come. Who knows, we could live on a desserted island one day with our 20 children and 5 dogs and be one big happy family...(except that I don't think we'd be happy, and our island would end up quite inbred). So my conclusion is: Allow myself to dream and think, but put off the actual making of concrete plans for a few months. Good. Moving on.

Second thing that I've been attempting to not be distracted by: finances. This one is working out quite well. In my attempt to allow God to provide and not worry or be distracted by finances, I've stopped budgeting. Now, before you all panic and start sending us cheques and gifts, let me explain. In my not budgeting, I've let Nathan know that we officially have "no money." That lets him (and me) know that there is absolutely no money for anything that could even maybe be considered extra. This allows me to forget about the budget, because I know that we will not overspend beyond what we need. And what we need, God will provide. That said, I am not taking a break from checking our account balance. If I see that we will be running short, we will pray and then let certain people know about our need.

Funny story relating to spending "nothing." Nathan and I were in Steinbach the other day as we had a meeting to attend at 5pm. Now, Steinbach is an hour's drive from home, and we left early so that we could do some things before the meeting. We didn't take a supper along, as we could have, but we have a better story because of it. We pulled up to Dairy Queen about 1/2 an hour before our meeting started, in hopes of stilling our hunger for less than $7. Well, Dairy Queen has this deal right now: 2 Cheesburgers for $3.33. Good deal. But one thing. I don't like cheeseburgers. My wonderful, frugal husband assures me that this is no biggie. He walks up to the counter and orders 2 cheesburgers...one with cheese and one without. He confused the poor high school employee for a couple seconds (you want a cheeseburger without cheese?), but when we both filled our stomachs for less than $7, all confusion was worth it!

Ok, so the third thing that I'm attempting to not be distracted by is pregnancy. No, no...people, I am NOT pregnant. Wouldn't that be a great way to tell you though? But I'm not. It's ok. I'll come up with something much better when the time comes (and parents, you won't have to find out here). ANYWAY...as those of you who have struggled to get pregnant know, it is a distraction by very definition of the word "trying." In an effort to not become more distracted by this than I already am, we have decided that there will be no greater efforts made than to simply...how shall I put this?...be married. No specific timing. No doctors. No medications. No special "herbs." At this time, it is 100% in God's hands...which is exactly where it's been for the past 26 months. Now's not a good time to take it away from Him.

So that's where we're at. Or should I say, that's where I'm at. Attempting to not be distracted and to not stress. Some days it works. Some days the attempt fails miserably. But there's always another day. Today's "trouble" is enough for today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. (Matt 6:34)

On foggy days like today

2008-10-23T10:08:00.011-05:00

On foggy days like today...I find the fog when I wake up. Logical. But why is it that fog is the best in the mornings of damp, chilly days? It's hard enough to climb out of my warm, soft cocoon and face the world, never mind waking up to weather that beckons me to step outside my front door and capture it. I really didn't want to go outside. I tried to stay inside. I tried to convince myself that the fog wasn't THAT good, and that I wouldn't get any great pictures anyway... But it couldn't be done. I had to set foot outside. The fog made me.

This is what I came home with:

And while I'm putting picturs on here anyway, these are some that I got almost a week ago:

Thrown off (like a snowball)

2008-10-21T10:50:00.006-05:00

Do days ever hit when you are having a great morning and life seems like it couldn't get any better (or not significantly better) and you feel at peace and joyful and everything good...and then something teeny-tiny happens. Something that souldn't be significant at all. Something that was not intended to throw off your day and should not throw off your day...but your day is thrown off. And once your day is thrown off, you just want to go home and cry. But you can't.

And then everything starts to rub you the wrong way and makes you want to cry more. Like the way your shirt is bunched in your sweater and how your sweater is then bunched in your jacket and how that is cutting off the circulation at the top of your arm and the whole bottom of your arm is getting cold and numb. Or how the wind is so cold as you walk to work that it takes your breath away and it's only October and you have the rest of winter to look forward to.

When your day gets thrown off, everything gets blown out of proportion. The things that really matter, matter a bit less in light of the small things that are huge, big deals today. And it's suddenly like a big, wet, sticky snowball that was tapped with one finger and is now barreling down a hill, growing and growing with each turn. It is out of control...but you're pretty sure that tears would stop it.

Yeah, if I could have a good cry, the snowball would stop, my priorities would line up, and my day would be good once again. Just a couple tears. Squeeze, eyes, squeeze. You've gotta have something. But wait, I can't escape this place I'm in. I don't have a corner to go cry in. So I stay, become more and more bothered by the little things, and wait until I'm home at the end of the day...when I don't feel like crying anymore.

And then it's ok because I'm home. I'm safe. I can forget about the outside world and wrap myself in a blanket which will become my cocoon for the night. Mmm...and then my bad day is good again. It's no longer thrown off. The little things no longer bother me. What's important is truly important again. The little things are just that: little.

No more snowballs...no more winter...no more bunched sleeves or cold arms.

A New Normal

2008-10-16T11:02:00.003-05:00

When people ask me how I’m doing these days, I rarely know what to say. I could say good, because dealing with the church situation doesn’t consume our days anymore. We’ve found, what I call, a “new normal”. For a while, when asked, I said, “stressed and tired” (but good). But in the last couple days I haven’t even felt that stressed or tired. I feel like I’m back to normal, either having a good day or bad one. But when people ask me how I’m doing, they’re usually asking in relation to “that”. Is it ok that we don’t think about it all the time anymore? Is it ok that we’ve reached a “new normal” and are happy? I feel like we should still be struggling, or at least feel like that’s what people kinda expect. But really, we’ve been dealing with the core issue for years already and the main struggle had far more to do with confession and exposure than it did with the actual struggle that started it all.

For about a month, I felt like we were so broken and like there was a big gaping hole where our life used to be. I feel like we’ve come to solid ground again, like at least part of our life has been put back together. Sure, there’s still a lot of healing and work to be done, but the initial flesh wound (exposure) has pretty much healed. There will always be a scar, and perhaps there is some scarred tissue that we will continue to feel (maybe forever) but when I say we’re good, it’s because we’re actually doing good.

Some of you may be wondering about Nathan’s job. He’s working at Cargill here in Altona as a soil tester by dry day and construction super-hero by wet day. God really knew what He was doing in providing us with this job. (I shouldn’t be surprised anymore…) When Nathan applied for this job, we were both hesitant to take it because it meant long hours and that we would hardly see each other for a month – we thought. I felt almost right away that Nathan should take the job, but I couldn’t figure out where this thought was coming from and never even guessed that it would be from God. It just didn’t make sense to take it, so I was really confused at what I was feeling. Well, Nathan decided to take it and almost right away, the rain started. In the first two weeks of the job, Nathan had 3-4 days off because of rain/wetness and 3-4 shorter days (only 9-ish hours). Shorter days. Days off. Some days Nathan has been on the field for over 12 hours, like we expected, but he’s found that he loves the job! He is in a truck by himself all day (when he’s on the field) and enjoys his CBC radio and the great outdoors! It’s great time for processing and thinking and also just shutting the mind off and seeing something different for a while! God has been providing hours (to pay the bills), down time (for Nathan to rest), and a job that Nathan loves! Isn’t He amazing?!

Thank you so much for all your prayers…we have felt so much prayer and support in the past month (ish). I’m not writing this so that you will feel that you can stop praying for us. We still appreciate all your prayers as there is still much healing to be done. But I want to let you know that there is joy and hope in our lives and that is very much thanks to God and everyone praying. So thank you!

Things I'm Thankful for (one day late)...

2008-10-14T12:01:00.007-05:00

(in no particular order)

Trees
Family
Friends
Nathan
Lennox
Our House
the Sun
the Son
Phones/Internet/Means of Communication
Jobs
Clothes without holes
Food
Fancy waffle suppers (by candlelight) with friends for thanksgiving
My bed
Cameras
Chocolate Chips - so you can have a little taste of chocolate, without buying a whole bar
Our Car
My Bike
Canada (and that we can have a say in our government)
Showers
Sleep in days

Thinking...and thinking...and thinking...and thi...

2008-10-09T11:12:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking alot lately.

I've been asking questions, and I've been thinking.

Two nights ago, I opened my Bible and read 1 Timothy. There's something about reading the New Testament just puts things into perspective for me. It speaks to me.

Suddenly this life isn't about me anymore.

It's not about how I'm feeling and how I'm doing and what I need to accomplish. My worries and frustrations and fears just melt away somehow. And I feel peace. I feel like I am re-focused on the goal.

That's it.

I'm re-focused.

Reading the New Testament re-focuses me on the goal. And it reminds me what the goal is not. The goal is not to have three kids by the time I'm 30. It's not to have a successful career. It's not to impress people. It's not to look good when you go to church. It's not even to survive.

The one, most important goal is Jesus.

To strive for Jesus...hmm...what does that mean? Well, to strive means to make a strenuous effort toward a goal. To make a strenuous effort toward Jesus? I believe this means that I need to make every effort to become more like Him, and to touch as many people along the way as I can. Hopefully this touching inspires others to think about their journey to Jesus and maybe even to turn and begin their journey.

So I've been thinking about re-focusing and reading the New Testament as a daily reminder of that goal and of what my priorities should be.

I've also been thinking about youth.

Or rather, not being involved in youth.

Truthfully, I was kinda excited that I wouldn't have to feel obligated to be involved in youth ministry this year. I was SO excited for my evenings and weekends. I was excited that I wouldn't feel any pressure to do anything other than go to work and come home. NO RESPONSIBILITIES!!!

And yesterday I realized that I miss it.

I miss it.

I miss the youth leaders. I miss knowing what's going on. I miss the youth. I miss going out in the evening. I hear snippets of what's happening in youth and I wish that I was in on it.

*sigh*

And as I was thinking about missing out, I realized that Nathan and I don't have much of a place in Altona, aside from youth ministry and being involved in our church. You take that away from our life and we're just a random couple with no reason for being in Altona over any other place in the world. It makes me feel kinda lost in this town. Yeah, we have friends and we both have jobs (now) aside from the church, but that was what our life was. It was church and youth. So now I'm wondering, do I actually miss being involved in youth, or do I miss our life?

I guess that's something I need to keep thinking about...

Questions...

2008-10-07T14:12:00.009-05:00

Last night, many questions were swirling around my mind...

-Is life falling apart?
-What does our future look like?
-What is God calling us to?
-Where is God leading us?
-What is trust?
-What does it look like to have faith?
-What is faith?
-Can you have faith without experiencing peace?
-What is the balance between God providing and us thinking/planning ahead?

-How do we think ahead if we don't even know what tomorrow looks like?

And amidst all these swirling thoughts, there was stillness, and God said:

"There has been peace once. There will be peace again. Focus on the last clear word you heard from me until you hear another. Don't be distracted by the questions."

Is chewing your nails a disgusting habit?

2008-10-06T15:33:00.006-05:00

The results are in.

According to 33% of voters, chewing your nails is "absolutely" a disgusting habit.
16% believe it is "definitely" disgusting.
22% say "yup, yup, yup."
And an astonishing 27% believe that it is, in fact, disgusting, but cannot help themselves from partaking in this convenient, yet detestable, method of keeping their nails in check.

I'm not sure how you chose between the first three options, but it was surprising to me that "absolutely" came out on top by a whopping 11% and that "definitely" was so low when they all, essentially, agree that nail-biting is gross. Oh well. The people have spoken.

Nail biting is absolutely, definitely disgusting, whether you're a nail-biter or not. Yup, yup, yup.

Update on...everything...

2008-10-02T10:33:00.005-05:00

Life today is completely different from what it was just three weeks and two days ago. In the past 22 days:

- we have "come out" to the church about Nathan's internet stuff
- we have been given a 2 week suspension from ministry
- we have confessed to friends
- we have driven to Saskatchewan
- we have driven back
- we have been given a 5 month suspension from ministry
- we have "come out" about trying for a baby
- we have confessed to the youth and parents
- we have confessed to the congregation
- we have driven to Saskatchewan
- we have spent four and a half days with Nate's family
- we have driven back
- we have handed out resumes looking for a job for Nate
- Nate has had a job interview
- Nate has worked three days at Canadian Lumber

Now:

The dreaded exhaustion that I knew would be on it's way has hit. For the first two weeks, I was kept going by adrenaline/emotions/sheer willpower/prayer and now, I feel drained. I think Nathan feels the same way. We're tired. We feel like we're done fighting. I feel like giving up. Just throwing up my hands and saying, "fine, you've got us...can we please go back to our old life where we weren't the talk of the town?" I'm tired of going to work every day. I'm tired of wondering how involved I should be in church and/or youth. I'm tired of wondering what the next few months will hold. I'm tired of wondering what job Nathan should take or where he should apply. I'm tired of wondering if bringing a baby into this confusion that we call life right now is a good thing. I just want life to be normal again. I want us to know what tomorrow will look like. I want to be able to know where the next paycheque will come from. But despite all the unknowns, I KNOW that God is faithful. I KNOW that he will provide. I KNOW that we won't have to miss meals or freeze because he WILL provide. I KNOW that if a baby came right now, it WOULD be good. We have been praying for God's timing, and if this is it, ok. God obviously has a greater depth of field than I do. And I KNOW that Nathan and I will still be able to laugh together and cry together and just BE together, because that's what marriage is. No matter how tight things get, or how stressed and tired and done we are, there will still be love.

But, despite all the things I KNOW, sometimes I wish that I KNEW the details too...

UPDATE: At noon, today, Nathan accepted a job as a soil tester for Cargill here in town. He starts tomorrow morning at 8am with training. Please pray that this job works well. It means long hours, but sounds like a good job. It will only be until the end of the month, though, so job-hunting isn't completely out of our minds yet.

Daydreaming...

2008-09-30T15:28:00.006-05:00

If I could be anywhere in the world, I would be on a beach in California. Or no, actually I would be hiking through mountain trails...or rather, the Bruce Trail - I enjoyed it SO much two years ago when I first experienced it. The sun would be warm, with not a hint of winter in the air. The trees would be green. I would have nowhere to be. And Nathan would be with me. There would be no expectations on me. And I would be there for about a week. Maybe even only three or four days...because any more than that, and I would feel somewhat lazy. And then from there, I would to go Saskatchewan and visit with family. And while I'm visiting family, I would travel through BC and Alberta, seeing family and friends along the way. Yes, it is what it sounds like...I would "Mennonite" my way across western Canada. And then, I would have to go to Indiana to visit my sister, who moved SO far away, just a month ago. I would see where she lives and where she's going to school. Then, since I'm that far, I would continue on to Ontario and visit Nathan's family, who I've only met once...and would love to see again! And then I would think, "I'm in Ontario, I'm basically on the east coast!" So I would continue to travel towards the coast, seeing Quebec on the way, and eventually come to PEI and think, "I was not nearly on the coast when I was in Ontario." This would conclude my Canada-wide tour, because I have very little desire to see anything further north...sorry NWT... Once I was done seeing PEI, I would fly home (oh, by the way, I am flying to all these destinations...), because, by this time, it's been a few months and I need my own bed again. And then I would be home and sleep for a week.

Aah...if only travel was free and didn't take time. I would travel so much. There are so many places I would love to see...without a budget or timeline. I'll save my Europe, South America, and Africa daydreams for another day, though...

And now for something a little more random...

2008-09-28T17:31:00.004-05:00

A short list of random thoughts:

If I ever move, do I change my blog name/address???
I am excited for pizza for supper, and I never thought I'd say that.
The fad of skinny jeans was a mistake...the next generation (or lack thereof) will realize this.
I am not ready for winter.
I am officially convinced: Macs are the better choice.
Cameras were a great invention.
Dogs are great...their smell, hair, and "messes" are less great.
I need suggestions for a 10 hour car trip tomorrow...the fourth 10 hour car trip in just over a week...post your suggestions quick!
I can't wait for Christmas.
I don't like birds unless they are in the wild, away from me, and not flying overhead.
I can't go too long without cookies.
I put up a poll on the left side of my blog. Take a second and log your opinion. I'd love to hear the consensus.

A Retreat

2008-09-25T11:59:00.004-05:00

So, I've been trying to add some pictures that I took last night to both my blogs, but they just look weird when I add them (all distorted???) so those will have to wait. Let me describe them, though, so you can picture them to go along with my words...First, on the left hand side, in a medium size, in letter format, you can imagine a picture of Nathan walking Lennox. Nathan is walking away from me and Lennox is looking back to see where I am. In front of Nathan (so in the back ground) the sun is setting and there is either fog or dust hanging in the air above the road ahead and the soccer field of the Bethany campus to the left (where the girls team was practicing - go team!). There are trees in the distance, where the road curves to the left, but these are mostly a silhouette against the setting sun. The next picture is pretty much the same, it is also on the left side of the blog in a medium sort of size. This one is positioned as a landscape. It looks alot like the first, only it also includes Nathan's mom & dad and their dog, Sheila, who is a golden retreiver. They are all walking into a hazy, dreamy sunset.

If you go over to my other blog...you will see post #67. It is a picture of two dogs running very fast. Lennox is in front, either teasing or running for his life away from Sheila. The background is blurred completely (as when something runs very quickly) and the dogs are just barely in focus. The dogs are backlit with the setting sun lighting Sheila's golden back perfectly.

One day I will try to post these again so that you can see how accurate your imagination actually is. Or how good I am at describing things...

Yesterday, Nathan and I drove down to Hepburn, Saskatchewan. (warning:about to get sappy) This is the place where we first met. The place we did most of our dating. The place we held hands for the first time. The place we left on our very first date from. Alas, not the place we had our first kiss, but where our skills in that area were somewhat honed. It holds a special place in our hearts, and it is always lovely to be back. The biggest reason it is so special to be back is that Nathan's parents and brother now live here, but it is kinda nice to be able to return to a place with so many memories every once in a while.

Some of you may have noticed that I posted back on Friday, Sept 19 that we were headed out on a "sweet escape". You may ask, "Didn't you say that you were headed out in a few minutes for the promised land, Niki?" Good question, blog reader friend. This has a long story behind it and I have yet to decide if I will tell it...let me think...

Ok, after talking with Nathan (who's relaxing beside me with a game controller in his hands), here goes:

Starting on Thursday, Sept 11, a few of my posts have been Psalm 139...Here goes...Some of these days you just need to close your eyes for a while...He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be...Sweet Escape... These have all been written regarding something that has been changing my life, and my husband's, for just over two weeks now.

I guess we could call this secret #5?

Two weeks ago, on Wednesday, Sept 10, it came out to the church that Nathan has been struggling with internet pornography. This is something that has never been a secret from me, but Nathan never quite knew how to tell the church or ask for accountability from anyone within the church. Who is safe? Who will judge? Who will understand? After feeling freedom from this struggle throughout Bible school and our first year of marriage/the first year in the church in Altona, this struggle came back. At that time, Nathan sought accountability from me and a friend out of town, but when the meetings stopped with the out of town friend, things started to get harder and harder. I continued to support, love, forgive and keep Nathan accountable every day, but little did we know that this was something that couldn't be kicked with just the two of us fighting.

When the church found out, it was a breaking point. It is, understandably so, a source of shame and darkness. Something that is much more comfortable when in the dark and when it started being brought into the light, we got uncomfortable. We went through periods of feeling judged, helped, understood, misunderstood and vulnerable. The first Sunday being in church after everything came out to the board/other pastors, was the Sunday of God breaking me in church ("Here goes..."). I believe that God wanted to break me at the same time as Nathan so that I wouldn't be trying to hold more than I could handle. He gently took my burden for a child that Sunday and helped me to understand that he is in faithful control. I handed over my struggle with not having children yet, and sharing openly about this stuggle was a huge step in being able to let go.

The first week of the church knowing was filled with meetings and confession and coming into the light for Nathan. For me, it was a week of supporting Nathan and praying and being stretched. The next Wednesday, after Nathan confessed to the church board, he was asked to step down for a two week suspension until they figured out what to do. We were glad for this decision and thought that this would be a good chance to head to Saskatchewan a couple days early to see family and have a chance to think and pray about the situation from a distance. (Isn't distance wonderful?) We arrived in Hepburn late Friday night and got a call from the board, asking us to return for a meeting the following night because they had made a plan. Now, we completely understand that the church board would have asked us to stay in town longer if they'd thought it was probable that we would be needed before Nathan's class started. But in all the activities and stress of the previous week, it didn't cross their minds that we should stay in town until after their Friday night meeting. I completely understand and forgive them for their oversight. Nonetheless, we were frustrated, tired from the 10 hour drive, and turning around less than 12 hours later for another 10 hour drive.

We returned to Altona on Saturday and attended the meeting and were presented with a plan for healing and restoration. After much prayer and thought, we accepted the proposal and have felt peace since.

The proposal includes several steps of counseling, a spiritual retreat, and accountability, but perhaps the largest step is a 5 month unpaid suspension from ministry for Nathan. We couldn't see how we could continue to serve while going through all necessary steps of healing, but we also didn't realize what a 5 month suspension would mean until a couple days later when we started thinking about jobs and finances and everything that this change in our lives would entail. But we can say, with confidence, that this is good.

We made the decision to drive back to Hepburn yesterday with hopes of spending some good time with family (who we hadn't seen in months), relaxing and being away from the situation that seems to affect every area of our lives (even runs to the grocery store), and returning rejuvenated and ready to job-search and see what life outside of full-time ministry is like. Throughout our entire married life (aside from our one week honeymoon) we have been in ministry. One week after our wedding, we went to Redberry Bible Camp to work for 3 months and mixed into the end of that summer at camp, we were already moving to Altona and starting ministry as their youth pastor couple. This will be a nice change in pace to understand each other outside of full-time ministry.

Our marriage has been strong and growing stronger throughout these last two weeks. God has given us a measure of patience, peace, and unending love for one another. Without God and people's prayers, I'm sure our life would have looked much different lately. But God is faithful and he has been providing. I'm sure the next five months will not be all easy, but I have confidence that God will provide for us financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I guess you could say that "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)

More secrets...

2008-09-22T11:29:00.005-05:00

secret ˈsēkrit
adjective
• not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others
• fond of or good at keeping things about oneself unknown : he can be the most secret man.

Sometimes, I believe, we can lie to ourselves. We can lie even while searching and aching for the truth. We can lie to God. We can be suspect of God’s goodness and faithfulness, even while searching for God and trying to get to know him more. All it takes is not wanting to let go of absolutely everything. All it takes is wanting something so bad that you have a hard time trusting God with it because you’re not sure you’ll like what he does with it.

There is something that I haven’t been able to be honest with myself about. Something that I haven’t been able to give to God because I’m not sure that he will do what I want with it. I’ve held onto a piece of this thing for the past two years (or longer?), not willing to fully submit to God for fear that I’ll be disappointed, or I’ll have to change. I tried to keep control of this, yet the ironic thing is that the entire time I was praying for God to be in control. As if I could pray for God to be in control and, as a reward, receive what I wanted.

Through this breaking point that I have come to in this, God has shown me that this is a skewed theology that I have always had. I’ve prayed for God to be in control of a situation as my way of feeling that I will deserve what I want if I “give it to God.” This doesn’t work and it undermines God’s love, protection, and ultimate will.

Secret #4
Two years ago this month, Nathan and I started trying to have a baby. I thought that this would be a quick conception and that roughly a year later we would most likely be welcoming our first child into the world. The year came and went and there was no child. Nothing at all.

Around the eight months of trying point, I started to get worried. Why was nothing happening? We went through points when our future plans were up in the air and we would take a month or two off of trying. I even tried to go back on the pill, but that was never a good thing for my hormones and between the disappointment of not having a child yet and my hormones going CRAZY, I went through really low, depressed times and wasn’t enjoying life at all anymore. The pill was out, but there are still other forms of birth control, right?

After coming off the pill for the second time, my system leveled out and I felt pretty good, though the thoughts about having a baby wouldn’t leave me. This entire time we were praying for God’s timing for our family and yet I was trying each month to time everything just right and to pray just right and be faithful to God’s will so that he would see my efforts and reward me. And every month (or longer because my body likes to give me hope most months for a couple weeks) I would go through days of extreme discontentment and depression. This would pass fairly quickly most months, usually within a day or two, and the hope for the next month would replace it. Each month I had the hope that this would be the month. This month I would get it right and we would be blessed.

About a year and four months into the process, I was getting fairly worried and talked to my doctor. She said, very quickly, that they don’t even consider testing until it’s been two full years of trying. At that point, she put me on some medication to level out my thyroid levels which, she said, could be the culprit to our infertility. Thinking that this would solve all, I started taking the pills, sure that in three months when my body was adjusted, we would conceive. Another few months go by with nothing.

This summer was the hardest time for me. As we approached the two year mark, I started wondering about testing. Does it show a lack of faith in God if I have tests done to see if everything is normal? Will God prevent me from EVER getting pregnant if I do the tests? I struggled with this for an entire month or longer and, after finding out that there was no pregnancy yet again, I decided to ask for tests. My doctor was still reluctant to do anything (how insensitive, I felt…she must have no idea what trying women go through every month and how this consumes their lives), but when I told her that it had been two years, she sent us for some basic tests.

Best news that I’d heard in a while: All is normal.

Next step is telling our parents and asking them to pray. I felt that this would for sure be the month, so not wanting to say anything for fear of ruining the surprise, we waited until we knew. Again, nothing. So we’ve shared with both of our parents and have asked them to pray. And now I’m sharing with you. Over the past couple years, I have found some people who have also struggled and are stuggling through their honesty and openness on their blogs. So now I am being honest. This has been my struggle for the past two years. I have never had any other dream for my life than to care for my husband and children…to be a wife and mother.

Last Sunday, God broke me. I went to church, as I posted, and each song was about surrender, breaking, and healing. It seemed everyone around me was either pregnant or had a baby. Even Nathan noticed how many babies there were that morning. I held it in until I got home and then cried. I can’t try anymore. I can’t be disappointed for another month. I have to let go of this. I have to truly give it to God and focus on something else. I have to create a new focus/dream for my life, trusting that God knows exactly how much I long for a child of our own. I can trust him with that and have faith that if he wants to bless us with a child, that the timing will be perfect. There is nothing I can do to control that in any way. I just need to truly surrender and trust him. He does know so much better than we do what the timing should be. I think I’m seeing a glimpse of why it hasn’t happened yet…and it’s good.

So that’s secret #4.

Sweet escape...

2008-09-19T11:10:00.003-05:00

Saskatchewan. Nathan and I haven't seen Nathan's parents for, what we figure to be, about 6 months. TOO LONG! So in about 45 minutes, we are headed to (small town) in the promised land...I don't know why I posted (small town) when the (small town) is on the elevator...

Now, we'd love if this was just a visit, but the reason for the trip is actually Nathan's schooling. For the past year, Nathan has been working on taking seminary courses, building up to what will eventually be a Masters of Theology. This will open the door to working at Bible colleges and that sort of thing. (note: Nathan has a passion for youth, and plans to continue on in youth ministry, but it's nice to have doors open, and besides that, Nathan just loves school!) So we are heading out soon (Friday noon) and will be gone until Monday (Sept 29th) evening. We realized that we'll be gone only two days shorter than our holidays this summer to California! We'll be covering alot less ground though, and hopefully this will be more relaxing, though possibly less exciting and new! During the week away, I plan to get together with a few friends who I haven't seen in a while. Also I look forward to spending time with family and perhaps spending some time scrapbooking with my mother-in-law. I bought a book last night at Chapters on photographing children. It looks amazing, so I also plan to take that and study it while we're gone. Maybe get some practice with the dogs (because dogs are similar to children, right?) Anyway, so I'm not sure I'll have a chance to post while we're gone, but who knows, I might be inspired!

Thanks for your prayers. Nathan and I have been feeling real peace in the past couple days and that is no doubt due to the many people praying for us. Continue to pray in the next week while we are gone for wisdom and clarity regarding the future. Our marriage has been blessed immensely through this time...Praise the Lord! I never thought I could be closer to Nathan...God does like to prove us wrong sometimes, doesn't he? Mmm-hmm...

He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be...

2008-09-17T10:48:00.006-05:00

He's still working on me,

to make me what I ought to be.

It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars

the earth and the sun and Jupiter and Mars

How loving and patient

He must be

cause He's still working on me.

There really ought to be

a sign upon my heart

don't judge me yet

there's an unfinished part.

I'll be perfect

just you wait and see,

cause he's still working on me.

My big sister and little brother and I used to sing this song together in church. One of us would have a saw, one a hammer and one a paintbrush. (the paintbrush was the coveted item) We would saw/hammer/paint as we sang. Pretty cute, I imagine. Anyway, at the time I thought that the song was just talking about God still working on us because we were still kids. Today these words came back to me and I realized that it's still true for adults and it will always be true until the very end. Until we've reached the goal.

So lately, God has been working on both Nathan and I very intensely. And when God works that intensely, usually it hurts, because he has to touch and re-form the areas of our lives that are most close to us and aren't used to divine touch. God is helping us to let go of some areas of our lives that have not been healthy and that is resulting in some growing pains for us. I can't go into detail right now, but ask you who are reading this to offer a prayer to God right now for strength and wisdom for us both. You can pray for us individually, for our marriage, and for our future. Thanks.

Some days you just need to close your eyes for a while

2008-09-16T11:26:00.002-05:00

I am so exhausted today.

And what did God tell me this morning?

To press on.

To rely on him for strength.

To remain.

Why couldn't he tell me to take the day off and sleep?

Here goes...

2008-09-15T10:48:00.008-05:00

When I was in high school, my grade 12 year, I did a Bible study with a small group called Discipleship Essentials by Greg Ogden. I remember it impacting my walk with the Lord and relationships with others hugely, so for the past couple months (or is it years already?) I have had the book sitting around, intending to go through it again. Last night I picked it up and Nathan and I decided to go through it together. It was my turn with the book first, so I started reading the introduction and first chapter last night. In the first paragraph, this line hit me and already I was impacted: "The more honest and transparent you are with others, the more you are entrusting your life to the Lord."

Lately, I have felt like my life is full of secrets. As a young pastor's wife, I have struggled with being open and transparent since moving here three years ago. I felt that I needed to appear perfect and I was afraid that all of my decisions and thoughts were being second-guessed and judged. I was afraid of people not liking me or not wanting to be around me. In a new place where you don't know anyone, this fear is very real. New struggles started to develop in our life and, as a result of my fears of sharing and being real, secrets started to form.

Yesterday was a breaking point for me. It started out in church. We sang songs and read Scripture and the words "surrender", "break me", "hope", and "healing" were everywhere. These are words that I have been struggling with lately and it felt like God was talking to me so clearly. This is also something that I've been asking of God lately, for him to speak to me and for me to know it is Him without question. Well, there was no question yesterday morning. I fought back tears through the whole service.

As soon as the service was over, I hurried home as quickly as possible. Upon stepping through the door and collapsing on my bed, the tears flowed. Surrender. Brokenness. Hope. Healing. God promises that if we surrender it all to him, and allow ourselves to be broken, that there is hope and healing in Him. It is suddenly so clear, yet so painful and hard to accept.

After such an emotional morning, to read about being honest and transparent that evening struck a chord in me. Is God asking me to surrender my safety that I feel in my secrets? Is he asking me to surrender certain things in my life that I've been struggling with?

This is a huge step for me. I've been holding everything in for three years. I intend to share my secrets here. I pray that I won't be judged because of them, but if I am, that's the nature of sharing with other humans. You can't take the freedom of sharing without the risk of people not understanding or responding differently than you wish they would. My secrets will not all come out today, but as God frees me, and as I share with certain people first, I will share. I will share in the hope that I can grow to trust God more, that I can grow to trust people more, and that I can encourage others in knowing that they are not alone in their secrets.

So here goes...

My first secret: I am broken. I struggle. I am not perfect. I am selfish. I am human. Just because I'm a pastor's wife, doesn't mean that I have it all together. Surprise!

Number two: I have had a hard time feeling like I fit in in Altona. I have had a hard time making friends and have been bitter against people, families, the town and the church. People have asked how I like Altona and if I feel at home. What am I going to say about this place that the people who ask love? It's their hometown! I've really gone through periods of struggle and depression. I've gotten used to the town and have learned to appreciate certain things about it...I've made some great friends and some feel like family, but some days it still feels like I'm sacrificing things like family/friends/familiarity for the "mission field." I love my life with Nathan and Lennox in our house on Second Street, but some days are still tough.

Number three: I am not sure that I am cut out for youth ministry. I love youth. I love to be around them. I love to pour into their lives. But I'm not sure that that is where my passions and giftings lie. How terrible...a youth pastor's wife who doesn't feel the same way about youth ministry as her husband.

And so there's a start. Honesty. Transparency. Brokenness.

Happy Birthday...

2008-09-15T10:26:00.007-05:00

This is a picture that I took with my birthday gift...

And this IS my birthday gift...

For my birthday this year, from Nathan, Nathan's parents, and Nathan's grandma, I got a brand new lens for our XTi...so FUN! It's 18-300 so the zoom is so huge it's CREEPY! I have only taken it out of the house once (which is where you can really use it without spying on the neighbours). I took it on a walk with Lennox and when he was out in the field, I could get a decent close-up of him! I think I'm going to enjoy this!
Thanks Nathan, Mom&Dad McCorkindale, and Grandma Irish!

For my actual birthday (I got my gift a couple weeks early), Saturday, Sept 13, I was able to attend the wedding of our first youth, Alyssa, to Mike. It was a BEAUTIFUL wedding...the bride was stunning, the groom glowing and the couple...so in love. It was a great way to spend my birthday...plus, I didn't have to cook myself supper! Not that Nathan would have let me cook supper on my birthday anyway...

Congratulations, Mike & Alyssa!

2008-09-11T10:23:00.003-05:00

Psalm 139 (NLT)

O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,
you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

What verse/section sticks out to you?

Photography, again...

2008-09-11T09:34:00.012-05:00

So the other night, Nathan had a meeting at the church and I was wondering what I would do with my evening off. Nathan suggested setting up a background and some good lighting and taking some pictures, not thinking that I would actually be interested in doing that. But what a great idea! So I set up a mini photography studio in our living room and had fun taking pictures the entire time Nate was gone, and it wasn't a short meeting! Here are some of the results (a few are on mccorkindale.blogspot.com too...):

I realize as I look at these that I haven't quite achieved that "professional" factor...still a long ways from that, but maybe one day I will get there. I would also love to try some portrait photography, but that requires faster setup and more direction, and a willing, patient subject. Plus, I would need a bigger studio! My little one foot by one foot "studio" in the living room the other night only allowed for slinkies and other cameras!

So which are your favorites?

2008-09-08T16:42:00.003-05:00

I am not inspired today.

I would love to update my blog...but I feel I have nothing to say.

Writer's block, I suppose.

I remember how tolerant my creative writing teacher was in high school when I would claim to have writer's block and talk to my friends for the entire class.

That was a wonderful class.

But I am not in class.

Do you ever wish you were back in high school?

Me neither.

Well, not really.

Sometimes, though, when I see all the school supplies and new clothes and the fresh start...

But no, I don't miss it.

I don't miss the drama.

I do miss the learning though, and being stretched.

Sometimes I think about going back to school.

Maybe for photography.

Maybe for early childhood education.

Maybe for a bachelor of education.

Maybe pharmacy.

Maybe business.

No, not business...I've never wanted to go into business.

I would like to do something I enjoy that takes thought though.

Problem solving.

That's why I enjoy teaching piano so much.

It makes me use my mind to make it interesting...

aka. problem solving.

I start teaching again on Wednesday.

I'm pretty excited.

Maybe I should pursue teaching music?

What an intimidating thought.

So many intimidating thoughts.

Well, that's enough uninspired-ness for one day.

One rainy, uninspired day.

Perhaps not actually uninspired.

Perhaps just writer's block.

My long weekend (with pictures and without alot of words)...

2008-09-03T11:45:00.012-05:00

(captions below the pictures)

Me eating paint...

Painting all our outside window and door frames...
Don't fall!
Our bedroom before...
So cheesy...!
My helper...

Me.
After.

We actually bought a new bed (frame) so we're off the floor.

We feel like quite the adults...

Ta-da!

In answer to your questions...

2008-09-03T11:11:00.002-05:00

When will I next be in Edmonton?
Well, I will probably next be in Edmonton (or Edmonton area) next June for my cousin, Kyra, and her fiance (Jordan)'s wedding. Not sure that I remember the date right now...but I'll for sure be there for that!

Am I still doing CM (Creative Memories)?
I'm pretty sure this wasn't actually a "question" for me to answer here, but I didn't get many questions, so the answer is no. I haven't been selling CM since early this spring. I just didn't find that I had nearly enough sales or the time/energy to put into getting the sales each period. So I had a killer going-out-of-business order (enough to keep me in business) but let my status go as of June. I miss the discount, but I have stocked up, and I don't miss the looming feeling of always needing to think about sales.

What is my favorite recipe?
This has got to be one of my favorites! Ever since Bethany, I have had a love for Beef Dip...

French Dip
1 beef chuck roast (3 lbs)
2 cups water
1/2 cup soy sauce
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp garlic powder
1 bay leaf
3 or 5 peppercorns
8 french rolls (or homemade buns...mmm...)

Place roast in slow cooker. Add water, soy sauce, and seasonings. Cover and cook on high for 5-6 hours or until beef is tender. Remove from broth and shred meat with forks. Keep warm. Strain broth; skim off fat. Pour broth into small cups for dipping. Serve on rolls. SO GOOD!!!

What is my favorite thing to bake?
My all time favorite thing to bake, when the house isn't 30 degrees, and when I have nothing but time, is bread/buns. It is so relaxing to mix the dough, wait, kneed the dough, wait, kneed, wait, form bread/buns, wait, bake, wait, bake, wait, bake, wait. You always have to be around, but there is so much rising time that it's relaxing! I love it. Plus, who doesn't love fresh bread straight out of the oven???
My second favorite, because it only takes 20 minutes start to finish, is Chocolate chip cookies. I have the best recipe, so if you want to taste it, you'll have to request a batch of my cookies. I would love to share! And maybe, if you ask nicely, I'll post the recipe here for you all to try in your own homes...just maybe... : )

When will there be Niki and Nathan juniors?
All I can say is that there will be Niki and Nathan juniors when God's timing is right. (Sorry, that's all I've got for ya!)

Well, thanks for the questions guys, that was fun! Any further questions are welcome!

Photography.

2008-08-26T16:25:00.002-05:00

My passion for photography is re-awakening. I discovered my love for the art soon after meeting Nathan, though I was always fascinated with the idea of capturing beauty on, at that time, film. The first few months of living in Altona were dedicated to learning all I could about photography and the theory behind capturing a great picture. This passion then lay dormant for a year and a half while I was busy learning to become a pastors wife and to fit into a new place. After purchasing our new camera this spring, I've really become interested in photography again, and am seeing most things as through the lens of a camera. I am noticing the beauty that certain lighting gives an object. I am seeing the slight movement of the trees and wondering how I can capture the peacefulness of that on "film." There is such beauty, such stillness and awe that is revealed through photography. My passion is to capture it.

P.S.
I'm not very consistant at updating, but if anyone is interested in seeing more of my photography (and Nathan's too-he's good!), feel free to drop by our photo blog. Who took each picture is noted in the subject line at the end of each post. I'd love to hear your reactions and impressions of the pictures that strike you. What better way to improve, than to be critiqued?

2008-08-25T13:07:00.003-05:00

Returning to the world of Facebook: Monday, September 1

Having fun...

2008-08-20T10:36:00.006-05:00

Nathan playing video games...

and me mocking him...

lovingly mocking, of course...

and having fun...

For you 4 or 5 faithful readers...

2008-08-19T11:28:00.003-05:00

Thanks for leaving comments...I suppose for 4 or 5 readers, I can keep going. As long as I keep getting comments... : ) jj

So just to clarify this whole facebook break thing...I don't think that Facebook is evil at all. I think it is a wonderful thing to help people keep in touch. I really enjoy it and can definitely see it's value. But, like many good things, Facebook is only good if you use it well. For me, it wasn't healthy anymore. I needed a break to refocus on my life and the blessings in it, rather than other people's lives and what I don't have. It's all about being focused on the right things...I'm thinking that a month will be long enough though. I am itching to get back to the world of Facebook. And I feel like I'm doing a good job of refocusing. (of course I feel like that!) But I also know that I feel good because the temptation isn't there...arg! I guess a little while longer won't hurt...much.

This month has been a month of slowing down a bit for summer. The first week, I was alone at home again (Nathan was at St. Laurent). It was a better week than when he was at PVBC...I was in the mindset of "I'm at home alone for a week" instead of thinking I would be seeing him and then not being able to for a week. Oh well. It was a good week, but SO much better to have him home!

Last weekend, we had our annual staff picnic for the lumber yard where I work. There are three stores owned by the same guy and every summer we have a picnic together at this go-kart/bumper boat/mini golf place and everyone brings their families and it's alot of fun. My tricep on one arm and bicep on the other arm are killing me though! I guess I raced too hard. One of my favorite things is completely shattering people's expectations of me. For example: Small, quiet, sweet girl...probably not that competitive, right? Probably going to drive slowly around the edge of the track and let the boys do the real racing? Not a chance! I like to be in there where the action is! I am insulted if I am told that I can race with the girls because the boys want to have some fun. That is dumb and I wish boys would realize that girls can race too. All the boys at work know that now, though...I gave them a run for their money. Well, a run for the boss' money. : )

Now we're home for a while. Well, I might be heading out to Elkhart, IN this weekend to help move my sister to seminary. But we'll see what the plans there become. If not, I think I am actually home for four and a half weeks. Then, we're headed off to Hepburn, SK. CAN'T wait to catch up with some friends and family! A week won't be long enough, but hey, it's a start! I think I'll have to cram in as many visits as possible! Nathan is taking a class so I have all day every day for coffee dates and chats!

Oh, and another exciting piece of news! Our friends, J & J just had a little baby boy last Friday! I dont' have any pictures, but you can just picture the cutest little baby boy ever and that's Isaiah. I love holding little babies, so it was just wonderful to visit them in the hospital and hold him before he was even 24 hours old! Congratulations, J & J!

Well, that's all for now! I'm going to head home for lunch (shouldn't be posting at work, but when there's no internet at home...)!

P.S - IF ANYONE DIDN'T COMMENT ON MY LAST POST, PLEASE DO! I'D STILL LOVE TO HEAR WHO'S READING!!! AND I DIDN'T GET MANY QUESTIONS TO ANSWER...STILL ACCEPTING... (Jill, I'll get to yours, I promise...I'll just wait til I have a few more!)

So...

2008-08-14T11:51:00.004-05:00

I'm wondering...does anyone even read this blog anymore? Is it worth my time?

Please, if you do read, leave a comment and I'll know whether to keep going or to bring my posting to a close...

If my posts are not interesting enough (*smile*) you can leave questions that I will try to answer in the next post...my life isn't shockinly interesting and I do run out of things to write about now and then...

Cold Turkey...

2008-08-08T13:38:00.004-05:00

Lately God has been teaching me alot about contentment.

God has blessed me with what He has chosen to bless me. Who am I to question that? I have so many things. I am wealthy. I never have to wonder where my next meal is coming from...well, I do wonder almost every day, but that is just because there was nothing in the slowcooker when I came home from work. I always have clothes to put on in the morning, and am lucky enough to not have to wear clothes with holes in them if I don't want to. I have shoes for my feet...a couple choices. I have a safe, dry, warm home to live in. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, who doesn't abuse me physically or verbally or in any way at all, who is a perfect match for me. I have a car (not everyone in the world can say that!). I have a job.

I have alot. I need nothing. I am blessed.

And then I see what others have and I want it. A newer car. A bigger house. Nicer clothes. More clothes. More shoes. More furniture for the house. More stuff. More, more, more. And before I know it, I'm not content with my once-perfect life.

I've realized that one of the huge contenders to my contentedness is facebook. I look at pictures, I read comments, I see other people's lives and begin to wonder why my life doesn't look more like their lives. Why don't I have what they have? Why am I not in that place in life yet? Why am I not more like them? I feel joy for other people's friendships/families/gain/excitement...but also a sense of bitterness.

So, as of today, I am off Facebook. I quit. I'm done. I'm not using it anymore.

I am choosing to focus on what I DO have instead of being tempted by what I don't. I am choosing to maintain and grow my friendships through email and phone calls (we'll see about the phone calls, considering how much I despise the phone) instead of through reading comments and spying on photos.

One day I may return to the world of catching up with everyone en mass...but not until God says,

"Well done, my good and faithful servant...you may go back to facebook."

God-things...

2008-07-27T15:22:00.002-05:00

So Nathan has been gone, speaking at camp, for four days now.

My first day alone was: Wonderful...I felt so productive and motivated...I got alot done and had a great time doing it without distractions!

My second day alone was: Horrible! I was completely out of it all day and wishing that I could just sleep the day away...nothing to do with being alone, but being alone didn't help it.

My third day alone was: BORING!!! I got over the horrible-ness, but it was replaced by sheer, downright boredom! I hadn't been that bored in months (years?)! At one point I just lay down on the couch and almost couldn't handle it because I was just SO bored! I wandered aimlessly around the house, not motivated to do that home-from-holidays cleaning that I still haven't done, and not even interested enough in old Flintstones re-runs to sit down for more than one of those!

My fourth day alone is: Fulfilling! I spent a few hours just continuing to read through my Bible (I started in Genesis in January of 2007 and am now in 2 Timothy). God has spoken to me so much today. Mostly it's been about putting others ahead of myself, focusing on the goal (that is, Him) and being (in character) a person that exudes Him! I then spent some time outside with Lennox taking some pictures (posted on mccorkindale.blogspot.com) until he ran across the street after our neighbours cat (something he has only done half a dozen times since we got him almost two years ago!). That put an end to play/picture time and now I'm here...in Nathan's office, posting and posting and facebooking and emailing, and...yeah, being in Nathan's office without him...

Only 3 more days until I get to see my hubby! I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also looking forward to what else God has to teach me and point out to me while I'm looking solely to him (like I should ALWAYS be...)!

uPdaTE tiMe...

2008-07-21T14:47:00.003-05:00

So it's been quite a while since I've really given a good, thorough update on my blog. Actually, I can't remember when the sole purpose of a post was to give an update on life! So here goes!

Spring was busy for Nathan and I. We had youth in some evenings, and life in the other! Thinking back, I'm not sure exactly what we were busy with, aside from work, but I remember that we were really looking forward to summer when life would slow down a bit and we could enjoy long summer evenings playing tennis and having fires with friends.

So now it's summer. More than halfway done July. We haven't had a fire yet. We haven't played tennis yet. We've only been at home for 10 sleeps since summer has begun! The day after grad (we HAD to be around to see our youth graduate) we packed up and left for holidays at 6am. We drove 19 hours to Idaho Falls where we spent our first night of vacation. The next morning we got back in the car and drove another 14 hours where we camped just outside Reno. (It's a beautiful place, compared to the dessert we drove through that whole day!) Then, the next day, we began to drive only a few hours a day and see the sights. We spent a couple days on the beach, but it was cold, so we ended up wandering through tourist shops and walking down the beach in pants and hoodies. It was relaxing, but not quite the beach experience that we were hoping for! We also had fun taking great pictures all along the way!

The next real stop was Las Vegas. We camped a night in the dessert between the beach and Vegas, but all I have to say about that is that the "oasis-like" campground that we found only got down to about 30 degrees celcius at night and was already 32 degrees at 8am when we pulled out again! Whew...what a warm experience! I don't recommend it, unless you enjoy "glistening" in the sun. Vegas was an interesting experience. I expected it to be obvious that people were gambling away their life's savings and expected the feeling of depression to be quite strong. Now, I'm sure people were gambling away all their money and I'm sure that causes lots of depression, but mostly it just seemed big and huge and fake. There's nothing natural about Vegas. Everything is concrete and lights and man-made. And it was HOT. I'm sure it was up to at least 45 degrees celcius while we were there. We walked in and out of casinos all along the strip just to escape the heat. But while it was warm, I would take that dry, dessert heat over more humid, less temperature heat any day! It was hot, but not hard to breathe. It just felt like your skin was literally burning, like standing too close to a fire. I've decided that I'd rather just burn my skin and be able to breathe, than choke on the thick air and still die of a sunburn. We didn't strike it rich in Vegas, but for a $3 invetment into slots, we had our share of fun. At one point, we were up 23 cents, so we actually had $3.23 of fun, for a $3 cost. Pretty good deal!

After Vegas, we had a few more longer days of driving. We headed home across Colorado and Nebraska. We almost couldn't handle the humidity through Nebraska because we were so used to the dessert, but we made it. We decided to detour through Minneapolis on the way home and spent an evening at IKEA and Mall of America. An evening was definitely enough. Nathan and I both enjoy shopping the same way...wander through, buy what you buy, and get out. None of this all day in the same mall stuff for us. I love that I am so compatible with my husband when it comes to shopping! How many women can say that?

The next day, we drove through Albertville. There are a bunch of Outlet stores there and we found some good deals. Then we headed on to Grand Forks, which is only a short distance from home, but we figured if we spent our last night there in a hotel, we would finish our vacation relaxed and that would be alot nicer than ending with a long day of driving and arriving home dead tired. So that was our holidays. Best holidays of my life, I'm pretty sure. I'd love to do it again, but I'm kinda sick of driving. At least it took a good 50-60 hours of driving before I/we got sick of it! By then we were almost home!

This past weekend, we took a bunch of youth to Sonshine, a Christian music festival. It was fun. Good weather. Good music. Good people to hang out with. And that brings us to today. For the next couple weeks, we are still pretty booked up. Nathan leaves for camp speaking in two days and is gone until Sunday. Then he heads otu again on Wednesday for another two days of speaking. Then, he's home for two days and then we leave again for a week of leading VBS in St Laurent with a group of youth. But then, when that's done, we're HOME!!! We'll be home for a whole month before heading off to Saskatchewan for Nathan to take a seminary class at Bethany...but we'll not think about that quite yet. We'll just enjoy being at home for a couple weeks. Enjoy our bed. Enjoy our house. Enjoy our puppy. Enjoy life and maybe enjoy some of those long summer evenings with friends around a fire or playing tennis. Who knows?

Blogging world...

2008-07-15T14:32:00.003-05:00

So, is it just me, or is the blogging world diminishing in the light of facebook? Hmm...

Because I have nothing much to post (holiday post to come one day, perhaps?)...I bring you:

Random facts about me...
- I love summer, not only because I love the heat, but I also feel healthier, both inside and out!
- I often wear BUNNY-HUGS in the summer heat until Nathan is breaking a sweat, then I am finally warm enough to brave the t-shirt...
- I have a weakness for puppies and kittens...as much as everyone around me seems to hate cats, I quite like them.
- I enjoy changing the oil in our car...it makes me feel...manly?
- I made strawberry ice cream the other day...might enjoy changing the oil more, but ice cream was fun too...guess it depends on my mood...
- The thought of meeting friends for a picnic in the park sounds great to me, but not our small town park...an exciting city park!
- I love kids
- I don't enjoy standing out from the crowd, but hate blending in too
- I would take pictures all day if I could, and if the battery would last that long...
- People and places and their stories fascinate me (to no end?)
- Good smelling hand lotion/liquid soap from Bath and Body Works is a wonderful thing...gets that oil smell from changing the oil off my hands like nothing else!
- I love work, but hate it when it's slow
- I like camping, and if it's off the ground and with electricity, all the better!
- I love trees and the bush...I guess that's because I grew up a bush-bunny in the sticks

Learn new things every day...

2008-06-14T19:44:00.002-05:00

So...normally I'm pretty bad at learning something new every day. It would be fun to, but it just doesn't happen. So then, on days like today, I need to make up for other days when I don't learn anything. Today I learned:

How to golf: My brother was down and gave me some pointers on how to hold the club (I know...really starting from scratch), where on the club to hit the ball, correct posture, how to come close but still miss bystanders, etc. All the critical things that you need to know to have a successful golf game. Thanks Andrew!

How to change the oil in my car: Again thanks to Andrew, I learned to change the oil in our car. I never knew it was so easy! Warm up the engine...unscrew the plug...let the oil drain...take off the oil filter...let that drain...put the plug back in...put on the new oil filter...fill with oil...start car for 10-ish seconds to get everything running again...check oil level...clean up. Done. I'm pretty excited about this newfound skill...

I also bbq'd burgers today, which is something that I haven't done since high school. Nathan usually does the bbq-ing in our household, and I'd heard that you never infringe on a man's grill. So I don't infringe until my hubby is 20 hours away at a Nascar race! Then I just need a quick, easy meal! So that was kinda learning, but mostly just doing something that I don't normally do...which is also something that is fun to do every once in a while. So that was my day. It was a beautiful day. So much learning...so much bbq-ing. Mmm-hmm!

This is me. Honest. True.

2008-06-04T13:35:00.016-05:00

Being honest and giving an answer with depth is harder than I thought...

Could there be exceptions to honesty?

Like maybe as long as I'm alive, I can say that I'm "good"?

I'm wondering if it's the polite thing to say you're good...

Unless someone really asks... There's something great about giving and seeking honesty and openness in close relationships...

I seek to be myself all the time, whether I give the standard "good" answer or not.

But I promise you this...

If you ask me how I'm really doing...I will tell you. And if I ask you how you're doing...I'd love to really know.

Fluffy.

2008-05-27T11:36:00.004-05:00

So often life seems so fluffy. There's no depth. Everything is hidden from everyone...(what would people think if they knew I had a bad day?!) And yet I'm subject to this game of hide and seek myself. I want to be that person who overcomes the world of fluffiness and really digs deep...into myself, into others, into God. It's tough. Where do you start? You ask how someone's day is...good, and you? Of course I say good back, because I'm don't want to be a burden. Fluffiness. Good. Fine. Whatever.

I'm hurting. I'm having the best day I've had in weeks. I feel like I'm losing it. I could dance on the rooftops! Don't just give me fine. I'm done with fine. My goal is to be honest. My goal is to seek more than one word fluffy answers.My goal is to give more than just one word fluffy answers. No more fluffiness.

Life is about more than perceptions. Life is about what is.

God is.
Love is.
Hurt is.
Struggle is.
Joy is.
Pain is.
Confusion is.
Support is.

Fluffy isn't.

What can happen in 90 minutes...

2008-05-15T10:32:00.009-05:00

So yesterday I was completely sick of my long hair (had been growing for a year and a half)...I had a quick supper and started cutting. Now, this would sound completely random and shocking if one didn't know that I regularly cut my own hair between the end of high school and the point at which we moved to Altona. After a few moments of panic and "what did I do?" I think it turned out alright. I'm loving the shorter style, although it may take a couple days of trimming for it to be just right. It's shorter layers at the back, and longer layers at the front. No more hair in my face... I love it!

Before:

After:

(here you can kinda see the back in the mirror)

(please excuse the bright green bra hanging in the background...I don't usually hang my bras in the bathroom...)

Mother's Day in our house...

2008-05-11T11:40:00.004-05:00

Mother's day this year is very much like the mother's days of the last two years. We will head home from church in a few minutes and spend our afternoon napping, watching some Lost and Grey's and I'll steal a cuddle on the kitchen floor with Lennox.

No special meals...no family gatherings.

It gets lonely sometimes on days like today when everyone else is spending time with their mothers and ours are 8 and 10 hours away. It would be nice to be able to cook lunch for my mom. Say (in person) thanks for raising me and teaching me so many things. Thanks for loving me and for being mom to me for 23 years. I'll call my mom, and perhaps write a list of things that I appreciate about her and mail it tomorrow (because this holiday snuck up on me like crazy this year!) but somehow it's not the same as a hug on Mother's Day.

Maybe next year we'll make the trip and there will be a hug...

New Toys...

2008-05-09T15:55:00.004-05:00

With our income tax rebate this year, Nathan and I bought ourselves some toys...

A brand new Canon Rebel Xti...

So much fun...we're trying to post a picture a day that we take with it on our blog (mccorkindale.blogspot.com). We've missed a few, but are still trying!

Also, having just arrived today, our new (to us) refurbished macbook!

I can tell, after playing with it for 10 minutes, that it's going to take alot of learning, but it's going to be fun!

It's so weird to have two new toys like this because it never happens! The last big purchase we made was our house two years ago! We figured, though, that our income tax money could be fun money to buy toys. A treat every once in a while is nice, now before there are other things to eat up all our extra money!

So…here is my long-awaited update…

2008-04-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

I’ve sat down at the computer numerous times in the past two months, intending on updating my blog, but nothing came. I guess you could call it a severe case of writers block. Either that or not thinking my life is exciting enough to blog about…but excitement is not the point, is it?

Since February:

I’ve been working more hours at my job. We’ve been getting busier and busier since one of the other lumber yards in town closed its doors, so I’ve been working a lot more than I used to. I am currently working 10-5 daily (unless I leave early or have something up like babysitting at the church or teaching piano lessons). These feel like good hours. I was afraid of getting really overtired (like I did when I worked at my first job here in town), but I am finding that when you enjoy the work and the people you work with, it is much easier to be at work. It’s not quite as draining…

Since February, I have also ceased to be an active Creative Memories consultant. Because my last order was so large though (people stocking up), I made my quarterly sales and will still “technically” be a consultant until June sometime. But as far as stress goes, I’m done! Whoo-hoo! I loved it while I was doing it, but I was always thinking of how I was going to make my sales and ended up buying a lot of stock to fill my quota. That left me with a few things I will never use, but I was mostly smart about what I was ordering so that I’ll be able to use up my stock in the next couple years.

This weekend Nathan and I are going on a jr youth retreat. I’m excited-ish. I’m excited for how many connections get made during youth retreats, and how we get to know the kids so much better than we do for an hour and a half each week, but I’m SO tired just going into it and I find it VERY draining to be around people for so many hours with no break. I am definitely an introvert! Pray that I’ll have energy to hang out and have a good time and be there for the youth.

Next week, Nathan is taking a week-long intensive class in Winnipeg to go toward his seminary studies. That means he’ll be gone for a week. L I do get to go visit him and eat supper with him one night though. J I’m kinda looking forward to having the house to myself for a week (read: SPRING CLEANING!!!) but I always hate being away from Nathan. I miss him too much! Some people say, “Just wait till you’ve been married longer…” I don’t know about that. We’ve been married almost three years and it hasn’t really changed. It’s probably a good thing that I enjoy spending time with my hubby.

Speaking of my hubby, we just started a new blog! You should all check it out. The address is mccorkindale.blogspot.com. It’s a blog where we are going to try to post one picture a day that we’ve taken with our brand new Canon Rebel XTi. It’s our attempt at letting our artistic sides shine! I’m pretty excited about it. I posted today. I had to post two pictures for today though, because I couldn’t choose just one. It doesn’t matter what you take a picture of or whether the picture worked or not, when you take a picture with a DSLR (digital SLR), it looks good!

Well, I can’t think of anything else. There’s not much new around here. Just continuing on with our routine…working, going to youth, hanging out…

Until next time, keep fit and have fun!

Psst...blog

2008-04-21T16:50:00.002-05:00

So...I got a nice reminder from a good friend that I should really update my blog.

Apparently people check it every now and then.

Who knew?

Well, this isn't much of an update...

It is just a quick post to those of you who still check back to let you know that I'm going to update soon.

And let me tell you...

When I post, it will be a doosie of a post!

Worship - "to regard with great or extravagant respect, honor, or devotion"

2008-02-29T21:26:00.003-06:00

I just came out of a worship night. Our youth band led it. We sang for an hour and a half, with loud, beautiful, honest music. The book of James was read, chapter by chapter, by 5 different people throughout the night. People were singing. People were dancing. People were clapping. People were smiling and worshiping and loving. Just loving.

I just came out of a worship night and I feel like I'm still there. My heart is singing. My mind is inspired to seek God and know him. My soul is fed. And I know that God was blessed through everything that happened tonight...the music, the sharing of HIS words, the fellowship over 3 kinds of chocolate afterward. Isn't that what worship is about? Bringing God's people together for fellowship, personal growth and inspiration, and ultimately glorifying Him with everything?

Worship is about more than music. It's about more than dancing and clapping. It's about way more than any one thing. It's about focusing our minds fully and completely on God. Through music...through Scripture...through nature...through photography...through painting...through cooking...through writing...through playing...through fellowship...through being...what more should there be to life than worship?

This is what I strive towards; this is what I seek: To live fully and completely in worship of God. To not look to the left or to the right, but to keep my eyes on the goal...to keep my eyes on Christ and to do everything for him. To worship.